Never Let Me Go
by RiverTam09
Summary: it's ironic that even after being a pair of Writer & Muse, words and communication were never their strong suit. A season 4 AU.
1. Chapter 1

AN: hey everybody. this is my first fanfic. i've got a lot planned out for this story. just stick with it. i welcome all judgement. please read & review if you want me to continue.

Disclaimers: i do not own anything Castle. nope.

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''Look, I told you. I couldn't deal with all that then. I was recovering. It's not easy, you know, taking a bullet to the heart?'', she ends with a sarcastic overtone, hoping to steer this spiralling conversation to the lighter shade of the spectrum.

It didn't have the desired effect.

Rick froze. A flash of guilt and despair flashed across his face.

_Oh no, he doesn't still blame himself for that, does he_? Then it dawned on her. Of course he does. Damnit, this wasn't how it was supposed to go. Looking at his face from across the table, she noticed the bags under his eyes, the lines across his forehead. It looked like he had aged 10 years. This wasn't what he signed up for, Kate thought. She was trouble. He had tackled her; he had almost taken the bullet for her. And all she's ever done, is hurt him. She didn't call, she lied, and now she was in a yelling match with him in her living room. Great going, Detective, her mind taunted her.

She looked at him then. His blue eyes have never looked sadder. He looked broken. Defeated. And in that moment of clarity, she made a decision. She doesn't ever want to look at that defeated look in his eyes again. He needs to get away from her. She's radioactive.

''No,'' she says, slightly shaking her head, moving behind the couch, ''No, please don't say it. Tell me you don't blame yourself.'' She suddenly booms, loud, ''NO! Rick. Damnit, why is this so hard? It wasn't your fault, okay?''

It was his turn to look now. He was having one of the classic Maddening Beckett moments. ''Then, why'd you send me away? Why didn't you call? You say you were recovering, and believe me, Kate, I don't doubt how hard it must've been, but I can't help but wonder, if there is a part of you that blames me. I re-opened the case. I started it all. Roy died because of me. You were shot. Because of ME!'' By the end, he was screaming. It didn't matter if she blamed him. He blamed himself. It didn't help that she had basically put him out of her life that fateful summer.

But he wasn't done. He needed her to feel some of the pain he felt. He wanted her to suffer.

''Or did you just send me away, cause you were to chicken to say you didn't feel the same way, huh? Is that it? See, Kate, I'm trying to figure you out, WHY you did what you did. I'm trying to see WHY you cut me out after that day, when I begged you to stay with me, when I told you I loved you, when I saw you die, when I saw you flat line in the freakin' ambulance? WHY?!'', he bellowed.

Kate flinched at those words. He HAD watched her die. He almost died himself. Her mind was a muddle after the surgery. It had taken some time to figure out what was real and what was not. Lying to him seemed a viable option then. She couldn't deal with his confession after the surgery. Every night for the next 3 months in her dad's cabin, she went to broken sleeps with the same whirlpool of questions; ''did he really mean it?'', ''was it a spur-of-the-moment confession, fuelled by the fear that he may never see her again?'', ''what are they now?'', etcetera, etcetera. So she kept her distance. But what bothered her the most, was that he almost took the shot. He could've died, right in front of her, right in front of his own daughter. It was a close call. Too close. No, this can't continue, she had thought. Following her around like a puppy for ''research'' was one thing, getting almost shot at, was another. This had to stop.

But then she went to that book signing, cause, damn it, she wasn't strong enough. Quitting cold-turkey was never her thing. And she needed to make things right. So she gave in.

But right now, standing across from him, she couldn't help but regret her decision. They were volatile. They were like the moon and the sun. Both needing each other for existence, but still couldn't exist with each other. It was like she was sucking the life force out of him. Returning to her previous decision, she resolved, this had to stop.

Everyone eventually left her anyways. Her mom, her dad to the bottle, Will, Royce, Montgomery. If she pushes Castle out right now, she will not only save his life, but it'd also save her some heartache. Even though watching him walk away would rip her heart out, it'll be a small price. The decision made, she began.

''Yes, Castle. You're right. I'm sorry… I just, just couldn't bring myself to say it, alright? Yeah, I don't. I don't feel the same way. I needed to get away from you. Is that fine?'', she finished, running a hand through her hair, sounding exasperated.

''You're lying.'' He said, undeterred. He was staring at her, but she wouldn't meet his eyes. She was trying so hard not to look, it was a dead giveaway. It was her tell. And he knew.

She let out a shaky laugh, which sounded a little forced. ''dude, what's it gonna take? I told you, I don't love you. I DON'T love you. I DON'T, okay? Now get the hell outta my apartment, and also, preferably, MY LIFE!''

Castle backed away, the sheer force of her words blinding his vision. In his heart, he knew she was lying. But there's only so much his mind would take. He started to believe her. In retrospect, he shouldn't have.

Each word out of her mouth was killing a little piece of the both of them.

She made the mistake of looking up. His eyes were watery. The blue looked so sad. So miserable. Well Katie, like a Band-Aid, remember? Might as well just rip the whole thing out. No point in backing out now.

''Well can you blame me? You are a self-centred, egotistical, jack-ass who entered my life from god-knows-where and turned it upside down. Now hearing that I don't love you may come off as a shock to your too-big ego, but it's the fucking truth. I don't care enough to lie.'' Looking over, she saw him looking down. She couldn't see his face. Silent tears made down their way on both of their faces.

His heart and his mind were at a constant battle. Each sentence she said, the heart protested and made its case. It's a fucking lie, it said. But his brain was more persuasive. It won.

Then his voice came up. Just the barest of whispers. ''I don't… I don't know what I did wrong. I'm sorry.''

She had never hated herself more, than she did at that moment. She might not make it through this whole situation. Please don't look up, please don't look up, she chanted as a mantra in her head. Cause one look of those perfect electric blue eyes, with the gloom pouring out, and she might just break into a run and throw herself in his arms. Just one look could do that to her.

He continued, voice still a mere whisper, ''god, what was I thinking?'' He started moving back and forth, rubbing his hands over his eyes. Looking up, he stared at her, then it click. If she was going to turn this into an argument to make it easier, well then so was he. And then in a bolder tune continued, ''you know what; it's just for the best. We would never have worked out anyways. I'm… I'm done. I think what I need now is something fun, and uncomplicated, ya'know?''

Her head snapped up. Did he really just say that? No. he couldn't have. Oh no. he really did, didn't he. She knew she was pushing him away on purpose, but he really must've meant it. And her heart broke into a thousand more pieces, if that were even possible.

He looked straight at her. He just couldn't figure her out. She clearly had feelings for him, but she was hell bent on pushing him away. He always stood his ground, always questioned her, always stayed, and she always let him. This time he wasn't so sure. Something was different. She was almost… hostile.

He had one last chance to make her see. So he took it. It was dangerous territory. But he marched right ahead.

''God what a mess?! What happened to us? What happened to you, Kate? What happened that made you so… scared? Why are you so afraid to let me in? Why won't you admit? Why the fuck do have to make this so hard?''

Okay, she's had enough. He wanted to know, well, you asked for it, mister, she thought. Her voice was shaky, but she swallowed the lump in her throat, and asked incredulously.

"'What happened'? WHAT HAPPENED?! You wanna know what happened. Well, what happened is that my life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I didn't ask for all the things that happened to me that made me ''Not-fun'' and ''Complicated'', as you clearly pointed out.'''

''Kate, I didn't mean-

''Na-uh-uh. You don't get to interrupt. I know what you meant. As I was saying, what happened was that you came along and upset my applecart. You. Everything's is a mess in my life. And you…you just couldn't leave me alone, could you? I don't… I mean, I can't even'', she paused, wiped her tears away, she was losing sight of where she was going with this. Her previous plan of ''conceal, don't reveal'' wasn't working out that well. ''You came in uninvited, Rick,'' she said in a soft, vulnerable tone, sitting at the edge of the sofa, staring intently at the ground, ''I've always been like this. Cold, cut-off. It's who I am. When people get too close, I get defensive. You were getting too close. I mean, for Pete's sake, you threw yourself in front of a bullet for me!'' There. She said it. It's out in the open now. Whop-dee-do.

''Eh. You woulda done the same for me'', he said almost nonchalantly. Even if she denied her feelings, he knew deep down, she at least considered him her friend. She did, right?

She stared at him disbelievingly. How could he be so cavalier about this? Of course she'd do anything for him, but that was kind of her job. He wasn't supposed to be taking bullets, or freezing to death in terrorist-funded freezers, or drowning in the Hudson, or anything. Well if this was the language he understood, then this was how she was going to put it. It was now or never. She had to do it. Like a Band-Aid. Here goes nothing, she thought as she spoke the words that tore Castle's world apart.

Time to make her acting convincing. Oh, Martha would be so proud of her. ''You know what? No. I wouldn't have. Wanna know why? Cause you are not worth it. YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT, CASTLE,'' she screamed, ''now get the hell outta my apartment.'

His face hardened. His fists clenched. He released a breath that he had been holding for god-knows-how-long. Without a second glance, he turned around, opened the door, and slammed it shut.

Inside, she slid down on the ground and let out the sob that had been building up since he had come in. Streams of endless tears made their way down her porcelain skin. Tears for him, for her, for the cosmic-joke that was her life. For the utter mess she was in. But mainly, for the man she loved, the same man who hated her most, right about now.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: oh wow! thank you for all the follows & favorites. again, this is my first ff, so feel free to drop by and suggest anything. i have a few chapters lined up. stick with this. please read & review.

Disclaimer: i still don't own anything castle.

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The call came in around 3 AM. They had found a hit on her shooter. Maddox. She got up, dragged herself to the bathroom, but her feet came to an abrupt halt when she saw her reflection in the mirror. She didn't recognize this woman. Her eyes were still puffy and red from crying herself to sleep last night after The Fight. Now she was never the woman who would cry for just some guy. But Richard Castle wasn't just some guy. She had dark bags around her eyes. And even if she didn't want to admit, she had lost a considerate amount of weight over the past couple of weeks. She could blame that on the case, though.

For three weeks, they had been working on Maddox's whereabouts. It had been exhausting. Endless nights in the break room couch; just coffee & a bear claw for sustenance (that too, courtesy of Castle) had taken a toll on her body. But however hard they tried; Maddox was nowhere to be found. The guy was a ghost. Then Castle had revealed his ''secret,'' the one about her mom's case, about the shooting, about Montgomery's files, about the deal, about Smith. That had been yesterday. She had stormed out of the precinct. And Castle had followed her to her apartment. What transpired next, was not what she had been ready for. He had quickly turned the tables on her, when he questioned her about her own little secret. The confession, the lying, the running away. It had all spiraled from there. To end things, she had told him she wouldn't even jump in front of bullet, for him, that he was worthless. Bridge burnt for good, she thought.

After 30 minutes of wallowing in guilt and misery, she managed to make it out of her apartment and head to the address Esposito had given her. It was the building where Maddox was apparently staying. Putting the car in drive, she drove basically on auto-pilot. Her mind was too full of stuff, and she knew she had to get a grip. This was a routine sweep, nothing special, because they knew he'd be gone by the time they arrived (it had become a predictable routine over the last few days. They would find a lead, they would get there, but by the time they did, it would be gone. This guy was good. ) But she still needed to bring her A game, regardless.

She stopped a couple of blocks from the place. She needed to gather her bearings. _He_ was gone. He won't come back. That's good, she kept reminding herself. Maybe if she said it long enough, she'll start to actually believe it. It's for his own good, and hers. Putting her head on the wheel, she thought about her mom. She needed her to guide her through this. She was heading to the man's building, the man who had put a bullet in her. I can do this, she told herself. She pulled into the lane, and got out of her car. Espo & Ryan would be here in some time. She went ahead to canvass the area.

The lane was narrow; the building, rundown. A few bikes, and a 2 dumpsters were standing haphazardly over each side of the path. Something was off, though. She couldn't put a finger on it, but she had a bad feeling about this. A premonitory chill of impeding trouble ran down her spine. Beckett thought better to go ahead and check it on her own. She was about to go back to her car to wait for the boys, when she saw a silhouette at the opening of the building. Scratch that, there were silhouettes, both facing each other. And there it was. Trouble. She quietly pulled her Glock out, and made her way to the dumpster, as stealthily as she could, the shadows from the building in front of her, making for a good cover.

Crouching behind the nearest dumpster, she heard a voice that made her mind go blank.

''You are never gonna get away with this. She'll never stop looking for you. You're going down, Maddox,'' Castle said in a steady voice. Steady, yes. But it couldn't fool Beckett. He was scared.

Maddox was about 10 feet away from him, with a gun pointed straight at his chest. Good, that's good, she thought. She wanted as much space between them as possible. She could see Castle now. He was almost adjacent to the dumpster behind which she was hiding. His nearness usually caused her breath to hitch. This time was no different, but she was pretty sure that Maddox with a gun pointed at Castle was also a contributing factor. She needed to do something without spooking Maddox. Kate quietly took out her phone and sent a text to Espo saying SOS. The reply was silent and almost immediate, ''Almost there. Hang on.''

She needed to get him out of here. And soon. Maddox wasn't a guy who messed around with his prey. She knew that better than anyone.

''I don't know how you got here,'' Maddox spit out, ''but I swear you aren't goin'out that way. You and your cop buddies have caused me a lot of trouble. And seeing as they aren't here, I'll take the liberty to say that you're on your own.''

She heard a slight screeching noise and turned around to see Ryan's cruiser pulling up at the right of the corner. She could make out Esposito and Ryan in their vests making their way to the corner. Their eyes met and she nodded her head towards Castle & Maddox. They started to walk towards them, hugging the building, covered by the shadows.

Maddox must've heard the sound as well, because she heard his gun cock, ready to fire, and she knew she had to get Rick out of there. The boys were still too far away to get a clear shot. Not without harming Castle himself.

''Nice meeting ya, buddy. Woulda been fun to kill you and that bitch cop in front of each other, but eh, I'll take what I get. See you in hell,'' with that he pulled the trigger, the sound of the bullet zapping, reverberating in the alley.

What happened was a blur to almost everyone present in that alley. She heard the unmistakable sound of the release of a trigger, and before she knew it, she was springing into action. She stood directly in front of him, as a shield, her hands coming to rest on his shoulders. To anyone else, it might have looked like a simple hug, if it was not for the bullet heading their way. A moment later, she felt it. A burning sensation started in her lower back region, slowly putting all her nerve endings on fire. But all that didn't matter. He was alive; safe. She could see the boys. They were shouting something, with their guns drawn up, most likely at Maddox. She knew the boys would corner him. It was over. They had him. Castle was okay. She couldn't care less for what happened next.

As soon as the trigger was pulled, Castle had braced himself for the shot, saying a silent prayer for his family, his precinct family, his…Kate. But the shot never came. He slowly opened his eyes, and he was met with the perfect set hazel eyes, the ones in which he could always get lost. But this time, they didn't have their usual spark. A sheet of tears covered Kate's beautiful orbs.

''I guess- I… I lied, Rick,'' she choked out, her eyes never leaving his face. He didn't even understand what she meant. What was she even doing here? Why wasn't she moving? Then as if a force had just been released from her, her body sagged and fell straight into his arms. Castle's arms cradled her, but the utter abandonment of her weight, caused his knees to buckle, and he lowered himself on the ground, still cradling her like a child.

His knees were bent, and Beckett was sprawled across his chest, hanging onto his shoulders for dear life. Why wasn't she moving, was the only thing that kept bugging him. He could hear Ryan & Espo cuffing Maddox, the sound of a dispatch call, clear as day. ''Officer down,'' Esposito bellowed onto the speaker.

Officer down.

No.

His eyes focused on Beckett. Their faces just inches apart. He could hear her labored, ragged breathing. Her face was pale, contorted as if in pain.

No. No, this couldn't be happening again. No. Not again.

''Kate, get up-

''I'm sorr-, '' she started, running a finger down his cheek, but a wave of piercing pain down her spine rendered her speechless.

''So… Sorry, Cas- '' and with that, her eyes closed. Her face became blank; her body, limp.

He jerked her head; made an attempt to move her. She didn't budge. ''NO. NO BECKETT, NO. Wake up. Somebody help. Please, Beck- Kate. Come on. Please get up. Please don't leave me. '' His gut wrenching sobs that followed were a tip of the iceberg, that was going inside his mind, his heart, his soul.

She remained still. So deathly still. He just needed her to wake up. He just wanted her to open her eyes. To say something-

Wait. Oh. Oh no. I lied, her words were. I lied. It fit. She lied. She did jump in front of a bullet for him. She lied. Again.

Oh, Kate. Beautiful, maddening, frustrating Kate. Oh what have you done?

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did you like it? was it okay? please review. i wanna know your opinions.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: thank you so much for the favs, the follows and the reviews. your support means the world to me.

Disclaimer: not mine.

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It felt like it had been hours. He was still in the same place, holding her to his chest. His hands were wrapped around her, putting pressure on the wound on her back. His hands felt wet. Her blood. On his hand. Again. Literally, and figuratively.

Why did he have to come here? Why?! God, if I had just stayed out her business, like she asked me to, she wouldn't be lying here, still as rock, he thought. He had gotten a call around 2:30 am, from Smith, telling him to come to this building on the West 51st street. He knew something was wrong. He had quickly dressed up, hailed a cab and reached his destination. When he entered the building, he was met with Smith tied to a chair, bloody and breathless. In front of him, stood Maddox. He knew he had walked into a trap. Maddox had tortured Smith about the whereabouts of the file, and Castle's name had slipped in there. That is how Castle found himself staring down the barrel of a gun. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine the night turning into this; with him rocking Beckett's boneless body while waiting for the ambulance.

He was still in shock. He hadn't really noticed anything going around him. So when the EMTs started to pull him away from her, he screamed, ''No, let me go. Don't take her. I need to be with her-''

''Sir, please just calm down. We need to get her to the hospital. Sir, sir… stop it. We need to help her,'' the young EMT said as he finally restrained him from going after the other EMTs who had just loaded the detective into a gurney.

''Please. You don't understand. I can't leave her. Not again. Please. Just… let me come with you. Please,'' his voice was broken and lumpy from the unstoppable stream of tears from his eyes.

''Okay, sir. Alright. Sir, you need to stay calm. We can't help her, unless you do that. Do you understand me?''

Castle nodded, his eyes never leaving the gurney. Oh Kate.

''Now follow me sir. And sit tight. We're gonna get to the hospital in 15 minutes.''

The whole ride, he held her hand. Held it like it was his life support. Images from this same scene from last year were assaulting his mind. He couldn't believe this was happening again. This had to be a cosmic joke. Any moment he would wake up from this hellish nightmare, back in his loft. Cuddled up in his pillow-forted bed. Any moment now. But wish as he may, the scene wouldn't change. It always brought him crashing back to the reality. The cruel reality, where his love laid, totally unresponsive to the efforts of the EMTs. Hmm, that was new. Last time, she did respond. But it ended up in her flat lining-

No Rick, he thought to himself, don't go there.

Maybe this was a good thing. Maybe she was not in that much danger. Maybe she was just tired. Maybe that wretched bullet hadn't sucked the life out of her right in front of him. Maybe.

When they finally pulled up at the hospital, her gurney was rushed out, him running behind it, chasing it. Till he was stopped by hands gripping his shoulder, stopping him in his journey. ''You can't go any further, sir. Just wait, and let us do our jobs now,'' with that, the nurse took him to a bench, sat him there and made his way back to the ICU.

That's where he found himself after an hour. An hour of sitting still, of wistfully going over the last couple of days.

She had been so vile that night, when they were fighting. He had never seen that desperate, angry look in her eyes. It was as if she was pushing him away, at the cost of her happiness. She said she wouldn't jump in front of him for a metaphorical, or literal, bullet. That was her way of saying that she didn't value him as a partner, or a friend. That was a low blow. Her mouth said those awful things, but her eyes were telling him a different story. But her words were clouding his vision. He couldn't see. He left.

But now, here she was. Battling for her life, with a bullet meant for him. She always was a rotten liar.

He had his face in his hands. He heard Espo and Ryan arrive, their running steps causing him to stir up.

''Where is she?'' Esposito rasped, voice heavy with emotion.

''Castle, where is she? How bad is it?''

He looked up, and his face told them all they needed to know.

It was bad.

After few moments of silence, Rick spoke up, ''They didn't tell me anything. Just… just wheeled her in. Into the... the, the ICU.'' His throat constricted at the last word. This was her second visit there in a year. Not great statistics.

'You should call her dad. He needs to be here.''

Esposito barely nodded, 'Ryan's on it. You know, one of these days, that man is not gonna be able to take it. ''

'Javi, what happened? I, I don't...i don't understand. Why was she there? Why were you guys there?''

''We got a call from dispatch. He was reported being seen there. I called her up; we were just there to check the place out. We knew he wouldn't be in the same place twice. We didn't even know there was gonna be trouble. It was a routine sweep. '' He was looking at the ground the whole time. Couldn't bring himself to look up.

''She shouldn't have been there. You guys shouldn't have been there.'' Castle guilt finally voiced itself.

Esposito looked at him, knew what was happening in an instant. No he wouldn't let Castle put himself through this again. What Beckett needed now was strength from her family, not guilt and pity. So he did what he had to do.

''No? Then it would be you in there, in that ICU. Or worse, dead in that alley. How'd you think she would have survived that? She's mentally and physically exhausted...and she's been to way too many funerals for a girl her age. She can take a bullet. She's made of sturdier stuff, Castle. Death of another someone she loves? Nah, I don't think so. ''

''She doesn't love me,'' his let out, rubbing his fingers on his brow, ''It would've been okay. You guys would take care of her, of mother and Alexis too.''

''Just stop talking, Castle. Just stop, bro. If you really think that woman doesn't love you, the woman who sacrificed herself not more than an hour ago, then, man, what can I say? You're crazy, dude. She's so hopelessly in love with you. You guys are made for each other. Both too stubborn, and too blind,'' Esposito huffed out, stood up, and started walking away, muttering profanity along the lines of 'blind fucking idiots.'

Castle took a minute to let his words sink in. She really did sacrifice herself. She said she lied. Lied about the stupid jumping-in-front-of-a-bullet analogy (which had become too literal, too soon for his liking), but that wasn't all, was it? She lied. About not loving him, as well. Of course she did. That sounded like Beckett alright. Maddening, challenging, frustrating Beckett. Always pushing, always running. Whenever things got too real, she would hide herself away.

Now she was in surgery. He didn't even know if she was okay. And the last thing they did was fight. Super.

What if this is it? What if she doesn't wake up? He had said such awful things that night. It was the same night. It felt like ages ago, in reality. ''fun and uncomplicated,'' god he was such an ass.

Ryan chose that moment to enter. His eyes were red. ''I called her dad. And Lanie. And the Captain. They're on their way. How is she? Did the doctors come out? What's going on?''

''No. We're still waiting. I need to go call my mother and Alexis.'' Rick said standing up.

His mother picked up at the 4th ring. ''Richard? '' Her voice was groggy from sleep, ''Where are you, it's 5 o' clock in the morning. Rich-

''Mother, I'm at Presbyterian. Something's happened. It's… it's Beckett, mother. She was sh- shot.''

''Oh dear god! What? Is she alright? Are you? Oh Richard, I'm so sorry. I'll be there as quickly as I can. You just hold on tight, kiddo. '' He could hear her scrambling from the bed. ''Okay. Don't call Alexis. She's at Paige's. It's her finals tomorrow. I don't want to disturb her. I have to go now. We're on the 1st floor. ''

After the call ended, he made his way back to the boys. Only, it wasn't just them. He was halted to a stop by a body who wrapped him in a bear hug, knocking the wind right of his lungs. Lanie.

He was quick to respond. He wrapped his own arms strongly around her. They stayed that way for quite some time, both needing the close embrace just as much. ''Why does our girl keep doing this, Castle?'' He had no answer. What could he say? 'Nah, she wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me' or 'I should've been on that table' would be met by the wrath of Lanie Parish. So he just kept his mouth shut and held her a little tighter.

Ryan was on the phone with someone. When he started coming their way, Castle released Lanie. ''That was the uniforms, Castle. They found a body in that building. An unidentified male, late 50s. You wanna tell us about that? What were you doing there anyways?'' Ryan's tired, puffed up eyes gave nothing away. So Castle went on and told them everything. He told them how Maddox had forced Smith to tell him about the file and then must've made him call Castle as he was the only other person who knew about the file.

After that ended, they all went back to sitting and fretting and worrying. Another hour passed and there was still no news. God, why were they taking so long? But it was a good thing, right? It meant that they hadn't given up. That she would be okay. A little banged up, but okay. It had to mean that, right? Rick didn't let his mind go anywhere else.

Her father finally made it to the little gathering in the waiting area. His face was ashen. Castle couldn't look him in the eyes. Lanie filled him in on what had happened. The thing was no one knew Beckett's status. No one knew what had happened. Just that she had been hit. Where, how bad, how long would the surgery take; these were unanswered questions. Unanswered yet terrifying.

Martha had arrived a little over 10 minutes ago. Right now, she was sitting with Jim, his hand between hers. Martha couldn't help but look at the similarities on Jim's face and her son's. Both looked so broken, so defeated.

Almost three and a half hours since Kate had been brought here, a doctor made his way out of the ICU, and asked ''family of a Miss Katherine Beckett?''

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hope it was okay. read & review!


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Mother of Malia...and sasha! What the actual fuck happened in that finale?! that last scene killed me. this is gonna be one long summer.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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''Here,'' all voices rang out together.

''I'm her father. How is she? Is she okay?''

''Sir, do you want to talk in private?'' the doctor asked, hesitantly.

Jim looked around. Noticed all the faces, how they all looked like little puppies whose owner had abandoned them. ''No. No, that won't be necessary. We're her family,'' he said, resonant.

''Alright, sir. I'm Dr. Brady, the chief surgeon for your daughter's surgery. Sir, your daughter was hit with a bullet in the base of her spine, the thoracolumbar region to be exact. We performed 64-slice computerized tomography with two-dimensional and three-dimensional reconstruction of the thoracolumbar spine. On the two-dimensional and three-dimensional reconstructed axial images of the thoracolumbar spine, an intra-canalicular bullet nucleus was found at the mid-spinal cord near the T12 level, with no evidence of vertebral bone destruction. The bullet, thankfully, did not actually penetrate her spine, the bone to be precise. After two and half hours of a rigorous surgery, we managed to extract the bullet with minimal damage. She'd under a lot of sedatives, like a medically induced coma. This is actually good, since it will give her body some time to heal. Um, now comes the hard part,'' which drew collective gasps from everyone in the room, because if this wasn't the hard part, then what was?

The doctor continued, ''Yeah. As I was saying, her injury is partial. But there will be, and there is no gentle way to put this, there will almost certainly be motor impairment. ''

And just like that, Richard castle's world was torn asunder; was crashing down around him. But before he could spiral down further, the doctor spoke up again.

''But as I said before, her injury is incomplete; partial. This is a good thing. Patients with incomplete injuries and patients with injuries in the thoracolumbar region have the greatest improvement in motor function. Approximately 1/4tH of individuals are able to ambulate 1 year after injury. I'm aware of Miss Katherine's injury from last year. While that may hinder her recovery, it won't stop it. She will go through hell, but given the right treatment, and full support from you all, I'm positive she'll make it. It'll be a hell of a year, but I think she'll be okay. She's comatose now. The surgery was completed about 10 minutes ago. She'll be transferred into Intensive Care in an hour. You can have a look before that if you want.'' Jim automatically stepped forward. Everyone's eyes were now at Castle. He timidly stood next to Jim. The doctor led them past the corridor, into the ICU's observational room.

She was on the other side of the glass. She looked so small. So very tiny, so fragile. She was hooked to a million machines. But he had never been this happy to see her. She looked pale, deathly so. But he couldn't take his eyes away from her. It was like one of those traffic accidents. So deathly, yet so irresistible to stare at.

A moment or two later, Jim spoke up. ''You know, she was 4 when she broke her right arm. She was in the swings. It snapped. So my little baby girl was cooped up in the hospital for 2 days. She had been running a fever too, so that's why,'' he explained seeing Castle's face, and then continued, ''But as soon as she was out, she was back to being Miss Independent. She never asked for help. Even tried to braid her own hair. Ended up in a big mess, her mother had to cut a lock of her hair to untangle it from the band, actually,'' he grinned jovially at that distant but fond memory, ''She was too much like Jo sometimes. So fiercely, maddeningly independent. Richard, I know she ran away last time to the cabin. She likes to lick her wounds in the dark. And a lot of that's my fault. I screwed up after her mother died. I, I never gave her the chance to grief; she became too busy looking after me. And she was… she was just a little kid, you know? I said such awful things to her, I was always drunk; I screwed up so bad, Rick. I left my little Katie-bug all alone.'' A heavy sob followed; it had been building up since he came in.

''I left her when she needed me. So she learned to not need anybody. Ever. She never wants to depend on someone, to give them a chance to hold all the cards. That's my Katie. But Rick, she won't be able to do this without you. I'll help her if she lets me, but I know I am not the one she needs right now. I don't want to force you, and she would kill me if she knew I was saying this, but he needs you, son. ''

Jim's monologue was causing a myriad of emotions in Castle's mind. She had been through so much. Her life was surrounded by so much loss, abandonment, despair. He had no idea how this Katie bug grew up to become Det. Beckett. But that's what loss, abandonment, despair does to you, isn't it? It gives you the lesson to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and face the world. And Det. Beckett was a natural at that.

''She loves you too, you know,'' Jim said, as if it was the most normal thing ever.

People kept saying that, Castle mused. Does she? Or most importantly, did she anymore? But no matter the answer, he wasn't going anywhere. Even though she made it pretty clear last night, he wasn't going. He'll be with her, all the way through this tough journey ahead of her, whether she wants him to, or not.

He realized he hadn't said anything yet. ''I won't let her go through this on her own, sir-

''I told you to call me Jim.''

''Well, um, Jim, i can't cay she won't push me away, but what I can say is that I won't budge. She shouldn't even be here right now. It should have-

He was interrupted by Jim's hands gripping his shoulders, making him look at his face, ''let me stop you right there, son. It was not your fault. Okay? It was, in NO way your fault. Here's another thing about Katie, that girl is tough. She is hard as rock. She'll be back on her feet before you know it. See, she can't really handle all the caring and the love and the feelings, but that,'' he pointed to her through the glass window, ''that is one tough cookie. I don't think your being in there would've done anyone, any good. Think about your family, Rick. They would've been devastated. Me? I've always worried about her job. I dread every hour, of every day, that one of these days, someone is finally gonna ring my doorbell and hand me the flag. I've made my peace with the fact that she has a tough, dangerous job. Doesn't mean that I find the thought of her being shot by the same bastard, twice in a year, any less convulsing. If I get my hands on that man, as god is my witness, I'll rip him to shreds, but that's not the point,'' he said, controlling his wildly changing temper, ''the point is, my daughter will spring back from this physical impairment, this obstacle. But what she can't go through again is loss. She's had so much of it already; I don't think she'll survive another loss without breaking. ''

All Castle could do was nod, nod and let the tears run free. They stood there for what felt like an hour, just staring at that little, tiny, pale bundle under the tubes and wires, across the glass. She looked so calm & serene. If it weren't for the foreboding thought of coma and limb impairment hanging over her head, Castle would do anything to just look at her that way. So in peace.

They made their way back to the group. Rick suggested them to go home, and after much convincing, his mother left, along with Lanie and the boys. So now it was Castle, and Jim sitting in the waiting lounge of the wing. It was almost 7:30 in morning. But according to the doctors it would still be hours before she wakes up.

So there they were, two broken men, allied in the mutual despair, both trapped in the dark corners of their minds, waiting for her to wake up; waiting for her to show them the light.

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so, this is not my favorite chapter; that finale put me way off my game. i may be posting the next one over this weekend only to make up for this one.

please read and review. your reviews encourage me to write more...and fast.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: thank you for your support. i love you all.

Disclaimer: Don't own them.

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In her mind, there was a melee of erratic emotions and a roller-coaster of sensations. All were warring with each other for dominance. She could feel each and every nerve ending in her upper body, and they were all sweltering. Her back was on fire. She was sure of it. She tried to open her eyelids but they wouldn't budge. She had to get away from here. It was too dark and too hot and too confining and too infinitive all at once. She focused all her strength on her legs to command them to move but they took after her eyelids; and didn't budge. After several attempts to move her limbs, she gave up. She felt lighter somehow, like her body had already given up, and it was only time that her mind did too. She gave into the unconsciousness which invited her with open arms.

The incessant blackness dissipated to reveal a dimly lit room. She was in a living room; her own living room. The Alex Gross painting stood out, with the woman standing there; the world is crashing down around her. She could totally relate. The scene in front of her was one she was all too familiar with. It was the night of The Fight. _Wait, was this the same night?_ Without putting too much thought into that exasperating question, she focused on the two stubborn idiots yelling at each other right in front of her. She couldn't make much sense of it, but she felt her stomach drop when _he_ turned around and stormed out of her place. For good, this time. She could see her previous-day self, dropping along the length of the couch. Somewhere in her brain, it opened a floodgate of new emotions. It was like one of those situations, when you hear an old song after a very long time, and when you do, the words sort of automatically come out of your mouth, and you start feeling all these emotions and memories related to that song which you once had. But the memory connected to this particular scene was not a fond one. It only meant one thing: he was gone. He was not coming back. And suddenly, she was not in a hurry to get out of here; out of this subconscious dreamscape. This felt oddly familiar; this felt like home.

But all too soon, the scene melted in front of her. She tried so hard to hold on, but this unknown force was beckoning her. When the blackness started surrounding her vision again, she could feel that burning sensation all over again. Burning was a gentle way to put it, though. It was more like her spine had been dipped into acid and her nerves were being dissected by a red-hot knife, whilst she was lying with a naked back on blistering coal. She could hear a distant beeping. And from the constant chant of her name, it looked like someone was trying to wake her up from her deep, painful slumber. Someone was beckoning her to come back. But she wasn't ready yet. She wanted to go back; back to her weird, subconscious memory foam. So she shut her mind off completely, ignored the name calls, the pleas, the beeping and burning and eventually she was cataleptic again.

When she opened her eyes again, it was like she was in a BluRay version of her own movie. It was snippets of her life all around. She could see herself all around. There she was with Castle at The Old Haunt; over there she was in the precinct break room; and over there, Castle was holding out flowers for her on her doorstep, and so many more instances. And a common factor in almost all of them: Castle. Another reason she wanted to stay here; she had Castle. She never wanted to leave.

Dreamscape: 2, Reality: 0.

She swiveled around to be met with a particularly fond memory. She was in a park right now. The one she used to go to with her mother. She could see Castle & herself in front of her. It had been the weekend of her mother's birthday and she had taken him to that park. She saw them enjoying a quaint picnic by the huge tree. She lost track of time, just standing there observing the two fools, so ridiculously in love, and yet so obviously tip-toeing around each other. After sometime, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around to find herself looking into hazel eyes, much like her own.

''Mom?''

The woman in front of her waved slightly, opened her arms and in a low timbre said, "Hey there, Katie bug.''

Without wasting a second, she threw herself at her mother, the force making her swerve. Kate wrapped her arms tightly around her mom's shoulders, and almost immediately felt her wrapping hers around her own shoulders, one cradling her neck. ''My god, Mom,'' she whispered in her neck, ''I've missed you much.''

''Me too, love. Me too.''

''It's so great to hear your voice again, Mom,'' she said, still not making any attempt to let go of her.

It was Johanna who pulled away after some time, still not breaking the contact, just enough to look at her lovely daughter's radiant face. ''You're so beautiful. Oh, look at you. You're so perfect, my perfect li'l bug.''

Kate released a throaty, watery chuckle. ''What's happening, mom? Where are we? Am I dead now or is this just in my head?''

''Of course it's happening in your head, but why on earth should that mean it's not real?'' Jo said with a cheeky grin, and a quick shove of the shoulder.

''Mom, could you please not quote Harry Potter right now?''

''What?! You kinda set yourself up for that one,'' she was grinning tooth to tooth, and it was the most precious site Kate had seen in years. ''I kinda did, didn't i? Damn. Rookie mistake. Won't happen the next time, Cap'n.''

Her mother's expression instantly changed into a somber one. ''There is not going to be a next time, Katherine.''

''Huh? What do you mean?'' Kate asked, genuinely befuddled.

''There is not going to be a next time, Kate. You can't keep doing this. When you wake up, you have to give up the case. I can't keep meeting you like this, when you are fighting for your life because of my case. You need to go and make this right, okay? You have to go.''

Kate looked down. Her hands held her mother's. She said in a low, timid, almost childlike voice, ''but I don't wanna.''

She sounded like a little kid who was being forced out of Disneyland. Johanna's eyes had thirsted to see her, and now, when she was, the sight was breaking her heart. ''Oh, but sweetie, you have to. Think of all the people who love you. You have to go back for them,'' she said running a hand down her beautiful daughter's cheek.

''But they're not you.''

''Think about your dad''

''Aunt Theresa will take care of him,'' sounding like a petulant child.

''Think about Lanie.''

''She has Esposito.''

''What about Ryan?''

''He has his own family, Mom. He'll be okay.''

''And what about Rick?''

That seemed to stymie her. ''He has… he has his family too. Alexis, Martha. They'll be there for each other and...'' she trailed off, not really sure where to go with this.

''And?'' her mother asked.

''And he won't be there anyway, if I went. He's gone, Mom. I messed up, okay? I messed up. Again. Big surprise! He's gone for good this time. Please don't make me go back. I have him here, I have you here. I can't lose you both. Please. Please don't let me go, Mom. Please don't make me go,'' she said sinking to the ground, her sobs wracking her thin frame. This sight was too much for her mother's resolve, so she sat down and cradled her daughter's head, and rocked her back and forth.

''Shh. Shh, Katie. It's gonna be okay. Shh. I've got you. You won't lose us. I'll always be with you, no matter what. And he will too. You won't lose him Katie. He loves you.''

That seemed to make it worse, somehow. Her body quaked with her sobs, and she clung to her mother for dear life. ''Oh I'm sorry, sweetie. Please stop crying. I'm telling you, he won't leave you. Right now that man is sitting next to your unconscious body and praying to, like ten different types of gods to let you come back. He's still there, Katie. He's still there.''

She continued to rock her until she quieted down. She looked up with puffy, red eyes and her mother didn't have the heart to tell her it was time. But she did it anyways. She was a mother, after all.

''It's time, love. It's time to wake up. Don't keep those people waiting, bug. They love you. This journey from now on will be a new, different and difficult chapter in your life. Let them help you through it. Let them in. Let Rick in. You can do it, Katie. I believe in you. And you know that I'm always gonna be with you. You have to get up now, Kate. Please.''

For several minutes there was pin-drop silence, then the most heart-clenching whisper of a voice followed, ''I don't want to, mommy.''

Her mother put her in a fierce hug. Conveyed all her emotions, poured all her feelings into that one hug. ''I know, sweetie, I know. But you have to. You're my Katie. You can do this. Do it for them. They're there, okay? They'll be there, waiting.''

''Promise?''

''Promise. And I'll be here too. Pinky promise.''

Giving a watery chuckle, she got up, hugged her mom for one last time and closed her eyes. It was time.

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Thoughts?


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: sorry for the wait. i had this huge test. anyways, its done now. read & review.**

**Disclaimer: yeah, right.**

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_My __love__ I've pictured this:__  
__Your __Violet eyelids opened __to say "here's where you've been"__  
__Your l__ips __open to say "my __darling__ it's been so very long and I'm in pain"_

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Richard Castle was at his regular place; well regular for the last two days. Yes, it had been two days. But she just wouldn't wake up. The doctors were getting worried. That meant her family was going crazy. Castle couldn't help his over-active writer's imagination, coming up with unsettling scenarios of lifelong comas, neurological breakdowns and such.

He was once again sitting in the chair next to Kate's bed. She still looked peaceful, though. Even though he'd prefer nothing more than to sit there and simple stare at her for hours on end, he knew she'd be livid if she found out, _when_ she woke up. He wasn't entertaining the possibility of a '_if_ she wakes up' scenario. So Castle had started bringing his laptop to the hospital. He would basically just go home to change. Writing Nikki was a little too painful when her inspiration had been lying comatose for the past two days. So he would just write little scenes or snippets of his life, sort of like preserving favorite memories in words. Almost all of them were with Kate. He was in the middle of drabbling about one of their visits to the zoo. It had been a brilliant day. After solving a tough case, he had suggested to take her out to relax. And what was more relaxing than watching baby penguins playing with each other. Plus he knew she loved the elephants. She has been so open and free with him that day. He wished to see her like that more often.

He had a sudden urge to see her; 'stare' would be the more appropriate term she would say, he thought, but good thing she wasn't awake. He looked over his screen, to be faced with the most beautiful green eyes, eyes he was afraid of never seeing again. All thoughts left his mind; it was just them in the world. He could stare into the depths of her beautiful orbs forever. Right now they were a concoction of emerald green and a rare-golden yellow, swirling together, staring right back at him.

But a couple of seconds later, his senses came back.

''Oh my god, Kate,'' he said, jumping from the chair, his laptop haphazardly falling from his lap and onto the floor, ''Oh my god, you're awake.''

She was still simply staring at him; eyes blank and her face expressionless. Then, after what seemed like an eternity, during which Rick had gone through all his talks with the doctors, searching his mind for mentions of speech impairment, or amnesia, or anything else that would validate her silence, when she let out a shy, almost breathy, ''Hey, Castle.''

His eyes humbled and his brain did a tiny dance singing 'No amnesia'.

He smiled and said, ''Hey, you. ''

''You're here.''

''Beckett, your powers of observation are, as ever, astounding.''

She grinned at that. That beautiful lopsided grin she reserved for him. And he could kiss her right now. But he didn't. Obviously.

''She said you'd be here,'' she said, her eyes looking at him intently but she seemed lost in thought.

Before he could ask her who this 'she' was, her vision cleared and she turned his attention back to him.

''Um, what happened?''

He wasn't sure as to what to say. So he did what he did best. He became all flustered and began babbling.

''Um, well. The truth is, Beckett, and I don't know how else to put it, cause I know you'll be angry, and what I'm about to say will most likely distress you, so, um, I should get the nurse, I mean, I don't kn-''

Her face began scrunching up. She was having none of this. She shook her head, but the little movement sent a shooting pain down her back, which caused her to gasp very audibly. Her hands flailed out as if to hold onto something to keep from drowning in this tide of pain. He rushed toward her and his hands came up to her thin frame, gripping her shoulders to stop her from thrashing.

''Cass... Rick, I, I can't understand anything you are sayin-'' her words were cut off by another very loud, painful gasp.

''Oh god, what is wrong with my back? Castle, ah- there's something wrong. Ah, I can't…''

Castle sprang into action seeing her face contort in pain, jamming his fingers hard, multiple times into the call button. ''Shh, Beck- Kate. Shh. It's gonna be okay. Shh. I got you.'' Her hands still maintained a strong hold to stop her spasming out of control. Moments later a nurse came into the room.

''Miss Beckett, you're up. You had us worried there for a while,'' the young nurse said in a chirpy tone, clearly not sensing the situation.

''Holly, there's something wrong with her, she's… she's in so much pain,'' he said.

She was whimpering by now, her eyes shut tight, face contorted in what could only be described as agony, clutching his hands so hard, that he was sure to have broken bones.

''Please. Do something, please. Help her.''

''Mr. Castle, there is nothing wrong. Miss Beckett wasn't waking up so we had to stop all the painkillers and sedatives. Now that she is up, we can start them up again, in small doses. Whenever you feel them wearing out, you can change the dial from here yourself, okay? '' She said while changing the settings of the IV.

After a few moments, her pain subsided, but only slightly. But her sustained worried expression and silent sobs indicated something else. ''There's still something wrong,'' she said shaking her head, ''I, I can't… I can't feel my legs. What's happening?''

This caused both of the others, in the room, to still in their movements. It was Holly who broke the silence, ''Miss Beckett, I think it'll be best if I get you your doctor now.'' She made a quick exit then. Kate turned to castle.

''Castle, what's happening? What's wrong?''

He really was at a loss.

''Beckett, it's gonna be alright. Please just, let Dr. Brady come. Please. ''

Hearing the despair in his voice, she replied with a mere nod, and then turned her head to the other side.

''Castle?'' she asked after some time, her face still out of view.

''Yeah?''

''What are you doing here?''

The question caught him off-guard. Why did she ask him that? Of all the questions, why would she ask him _that_? He couldn't really think of an answer, so instead, he asked, ''Do you want me to call your dad? Or Lanie? They just went home an hour ago.''

''Hmm…No,'' he could see the slight shake of the head that accompanied.

They were enveloped in silence again. Silence was better than inexplicable questions.

''You left. Why are you back?''

Okay, so she really wasn't beating around the bush today, he thought.

''Well, first off, you made me leave. And anyways, I tend to stick around with people who go jumping in front of bullets for me,'' he said, sitting back in his chair.

''You don't owe me anything, Castle. You don't have to stick around, you don't have any obligations. I was just being a partner.'' She turned around with glassy eyes, but an otherwise expressionless face.

Oh-no-no. No. She did NOT get to do this again. He had had enough of this feelings-hidden-behind-'partner'-label bullshit of hers. He was having none of this.

He didn't want to do this here; he didn't want to do it now. But he'd be damned if he let her continue this charade.

''You said you lied, Beckett. Right before you passed out from taking a friggin' bullet which was meant for me. Right before that, you said you lied. I don't think you meant it only about the hazardously literal bullet-jumping scenario,'' he deadpanned.

Her breath hitched in her throat, but before she could utter another word in defiance, Dr. Brady came into their room.

''It's good to see you up, Miss Beckett.''

''Detective,'' Beckett's voice came out harsher than she intended.

''Of course, I'm sorry. Let me start again. It's a pleasure to finally see you conscious, Det. Beckett. I'm Dr. Brady. I was your Chief Surgeon during the surgery, which took place three days ago. You had a bullet lodged in your lower back; between your T-11 and T-12 thoracic vertebra. It didn't do much bone damage. It did however, damage your spinal cord. We managed to extract it without any more damage. Now Det. Beckett, the thoracic region is closely responsible for your mobility. I'm afraid to say that the reason you are not having any sensations in your legs is because of that.''

Her intake of breath, caused Castle to squeeze her hand tighter; he hadn't even realize when they had twined together; and he felt the slightest of it return. The stricken look on her face made the doctor quickly add, ''however, since your injury was partial, it will heal in time. Physical therapy and regular appointments over here will have you back on your feet within the year. I'm really sorry, Det. Believe me, we tried our best, but given the kind of injury you sustained, we suspected this result from the beginning. But we'll do everything in our power to help you along the way.''

Her eyes were wide. Was it denial behind them, or anger or sadness, or a mixture of the three, he couldn't tell.

After a silence that lasted all of eternity, her voice came out, too calm and too lost for his liking.

''I'm sorry… Could you repeat the last part again? I kinda faded out.''

''Um, which part?''

''After you said, "I'm sorry." ''

Her cold, icy stare did not help.

''Det. Beckett, we really tried. We really did. But nothing could be done. I'm sorry.''

Her cold exterior broke; and out came the lioness. Her eyes fired up. He stiffened under Castle's hands. She wore the same expression she had when she was pinning down a suspect in the interrogation room. She was going for the kill.

The calm, low rumble of her voice, made her words a thousand times more deathly.

''**What the fuck are you talking about**? I'm a cop. A freaking **COP**! I can't not walk. You have to do something.''

''Det., we tried-''

''Yeah? Well, try the fuck harder.''

She started to make a move to get up and Rick held her down.

''Beckett, Beck- Hey, Kate? Hey, look at me. Stop, Kate, you're gonna hurt yourself. Ka-''

''Castle, let me go. Did you not hear him? They screwed me up. Castle, let go… they need to do something. Cas-''

''Um, I'll give you two a moment,'' he said ushering out of the room, with Holly tailing behind.

Castle perched up on her bed, facing her, with one leg underneath him, and the other one hanging over. He felt the fire die down in her. She ran a shaky hand through her hair, still not making eye contact. ''Wait, um, what? I'm… I'm- god, I'm not gonna be able to walk?'' she asked looking up, disbelieving the words coming out of her mouth.

Seeing her like this killed him inside. He reached out, and covered her hands with his own. ''I'm sorry, Beckett. I really am. But it's temporary. You'll get through this. We'll get through this, okay?''

He could see the tears that had pooled in her eyes, threatening to spill over. Her lips were pursed in a thin line. Her face, however, remained impassive. He was worried that it hadn't really sunk in yet.

Her brows furrowed together and it looked like a whirlpool of thoughts going on in her head; he could almost hear her thinking. She looked like she was holding it together with the barest of threads. A shaky nod and the gossamer strings gave away.

She let out a shaky sob and bent over, her small, lithe frame wracking with each strangled sob. He scooted over and wrapped his arms around her. She doubled in on herself, her hands in her lap and her face in her hands. She continued to let out small sniffs in between, Castle gently rocking her and whispering sweet nothings in her ear. His lips dropped a kiss on her head, almost on their own volition.

''Ca_ssss_tle?'' She said between sniffs.

The drawn out _s_ made her sound like a little girl, and his heart broke a thousand times over. He didn't let go of her, in fact held her a little tighter, and let out a 'hmm?' in response.

''Could you call my dad now, please?''

After squeezing her one more time, he loosened his grip and pulled back to stare into her eyes. ''Yeah, of course. Anything you need, Beckett. In fact I'll tell them all you're up. We've been worried for days. I'll tell your dad to come up as soon as he can. I'll be back in two,'' he said getting up. Before he could change his mind, he leaned down and kissed her temple again and then quietly exited the room.

Kate plopped down on the pillow. She gingerly raised her hand up to where he had kissed her. Her skin had burned the sensation of his lips on her to memory. She chided herself, because a kiss should not be the priority for her after being told that she will be a cripple for the foreseeable future. It shouldn't.

There was just so much going on. It still hadn't sunk in that she won't be able to walk. It still hadn't sunk in that Castle was here, that he wasn't going anywhere.

He returned after a few minutes and sat down in his chair. If she was disappointed that he didn't sit in her bed, she didn't let it show.

''They're all so relieved. They'll come to visit you tomorrow. Your dad will be here in an hour.''

She simply nodded, and closed her eyes again. The silence that followed was deafening. There were a million questions to be asked, a billion things to be said by the both of them. But she didn't have the energy, and he didn't have the courage. They mentally put a pin in it.

''Beckett, you should sleep for a while, rest yourself. I'll wake you up when your dad gets here.''

She hummed and turned her head to face the other wall.

''You should go home. You look like hell.''

''Gee, Beckett, thanks. You sure know how to make a guy blush.''

That earned him snicker and she flopped her head around to face him, adorning the sweetest grin he had seen in a long time.

''Oh, c'mon. You know what I mean, Castle. Go home. Rest.''

He didn't even have it in him to actually consider her request because it was out of the question.

''I'm staying here, Beckett. And the sooner you learn to get used to it, the better it'll be for you. I am not going anywhere.''

He stared right into her eyes, with such conviction, and she knew he wasn't just talking about the hospital. He wasn't going anywhere. She nodded once, to let him know she understood.

''Wake me up when he gets here,'' and with that she closed her eyes and almost immediately went into a deep slumber.

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**the beginning lines are from this song called ''i know'' by trespassers williams. it kind of captured the essence of this chapter. i couldn't not mention it. you should try it out. it's beautiful.**

**also, please review. tell me if you are even liking this thing. criticisms, judgement, ideas, thoughts, praises, anything. *in kate's voice* i'm open to dumb ideas. **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: thanks for the support. i want to hit a 100 follows this time. make me proud, my fellow casketteers! **

**Disclaimer: still not mine.**

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When she surfaced again, she found her dad staring down on her. For a disoriented second, she couldn't remember where she was, but in the next instant, it all came crashing back.

She had taken a bullet.

Rick was okay.

He was here.

Oh god, she can't walk.

With that realization, the dam of her resolve broke, she opened her arms, and whimpered out in a barely audible tone, ''Oh, Dad...''

Jim immediately enveloped her into a strong embrace. He dropped kisses on her head, her hair, her temple, every possible place that was available from this angle.

''I…I can't, I can't walk… I can't walk, daddy…'' she murmured between heavy sobs and whimpers.

His little girl hadn't called him 'daddy' in years. It broke his heart in pieces to see her this way, so helpless, so broken. His hold on her grew stronger and he stroked her hair gently while whispering,

''I know, baby. It's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Shh, let it out. I'm here.''

Her catharsis lasted only lasted so long. She pulled back and started wiping her hands furiously on her face.

''Katie… Katie, stop. Shh, listen, okay,'' he said gripping her hands, which were sure to leave her pale skin in angry red marks, and pulled them away from her face.

''It's okay. I know it seems far from it now. But believe me when I say, it's okay to cry. Honey, you can't bottle it up. This is a huge thing,'' at which she scoffed with a 'ya think?' Jim shook his head, but continued nonetheless, ''I know, love. I know, but please don't do this to yourself. Promise me you won't shut me out. Promise me you won't bottle this up. Promise that you will let your family help. Please, Katie. Please.''

By the end the tears swimming in his eyes had made their way down his face. She loosened her hands from his grip and wiped them away. ''I'm sorry, dad. It's just, it's so overwhelming. If I start crying now, I will never stop. I can't do this, daddy… I just, I can't.''

Seeing the protest forming on her dad's lips, she quickly continued, ''I'm a cop, dad. How am I supposed to go from that to being this helpless, useless cripple? I can't. I can't, for the life of me, fathom how this is going to work. I don't know what to do, dad. I don't know how to do this.''

She put her head in her hands and gentle shivers ran down her spine. They quickly escalated to pangs of pain. Damn, she'd forgotten she'd had a bullet in her back, as she maneuvered the IV drip's knob for the painkillers to set in. There was a time when she would've refused this; refused the drugs. She would've wanted to face the pain; she was never one to get help. But right now, with the way she was feeling, so helpless, and so despondent, she had subconsciously decided to give in. She had failed. She had decided to give in.

Her father's voice broke her out of her thoughts.

''You do and you will. How can you say that, Katie? You're Katherine Beckett. You can do anything. And no one's asking you to be a cop or to figure this out right now or even on your own. We will take it one step at a time. We are all here to help you, bug. We will be here all along the way. Rick will be here all along the way. Just let him in, sweetie. That man has been so worried this whole time. Please, just make things right between you two. He won't say anything but I know something happened. Just make it right. You can do that. And you can handle everything else life throws you. You can do this, okay? I know you can.''

With a gentle nod she hugged her father once again. Maybe he was right. Maybe she could in fact do this. Well, she didn't really have any other option, did she?

Just then, the door to her room opened revealing Castle balancing a coffee, a newspaper and a shopping bag. He stopped short, when he saw her watching him.

''Hey, you're up. I was going to wake you, but Jim here said he wanted to do the honours.''

When she returned a shy smile and a single nod, he resumed, first going to Jim to offer him his coffee and the newspaper, and then coming back to his own chair and putting the bag on the stand next to her bed.

She gingerly looked at it, then went back to intently staring at her hands in her lap, and released a quiet a breathy sigh.

''You sure there isn't a coffee in there for me?''

He let out a genuine chuckle but shook his head. ''Nah, I'm afraid that won't be possible. Doctor's orders. Something about coffee and drugs not being the right cocktail mix for you right now.''

She gave him a pout and he had to restrain himself from kissing it away. She eyed the bag sitting on the stand wearily, then asked, ''so what's in there?''

Her voice was too timid, too hesitant for his liking but he decided to question her about that later, and replied, ''Well I thought flowers were _so_ last year, so I went for something new.''

He picked up the bag and offered it to her. She hesitantly reached for it and put it on her lap. She looked up to him as if asking for permission, so he gave her an excited nod and said, ''go ahead, open it.''

She reached down in the bag and felt something soft. She took it out and before she could actually process what was happening, she started laughing. A full blown, hearty laughter emerged from her, echoed in the hospital room, and it shocked the two men, who soon joined her. Oh, how they had both yearned to hear this sound.

After somehow reigning in her unexpected outburst, she looked at Castle and managed to ask, ''what's this?'' before breaking into a fit again.

His heart was jumping leaps and bounds. The idea of her being so genuinely happy because of something he did nearly undid him.

''it's a Squishy.''

That sent of another wave of echoing, booming, laughter through her.

''A what? '' She asked in a breathless voice.

''A Squishy.'' He said with a childlike resonance.

The toy sat in her lap. It was a greyish-blue coloured stuffed elephant with a tiny yellow t-shirt on that said ''You're Elfing Awesome!'' It had the biggest, most adorable blue eyes she had ever seen. Kind of like the ones that were looking at her with so much love in them right now. She looked up at him, when he said, ''well I know you love elephants and the gift shop was all out of ponies. So there you go. Your very own Squishy. It'll protect ya _and_ it makes a very comfortable cuddle-buddy.'' He finished listing off his merits.

She smirked, quirked her eyebrows up and said, ''that so?''

''Uh-huh.'' He replied in a buoyant tone.

Seeing the smile forming on his daughter's lips, Jim stood up, ''I'll give you two a minute.''

''Jim, you don't have to do that, we-''

''It's okay, Rick. I need to go make a couple of calls anyways. You keep her company.''

With that, he made his exit. After a moment, Kate turned around to face him and rested her head the pillow. With eyes still closed, she asked, again in that shy, timid voice, ''since when are you guys on a first name basis?''

''Since his daughter keeps getting shot at all the time,'' he said with a small smile, to make up for this morbid joke.

She smiled as well, but her eyes still remained shut.

''Funny. But technically, _I_ wasn't the one who was shot at, this time, you know?''

Her eyebrows quirked up, expecting another smart-ass retort. But when nothing came, she pried her eyes open, at a snail speed. She was met with a man who had nothing but guilt built up inside of him. Oh, crap. Why did she have to say that? Okay, time for some damage control.

''Castle, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way, Cas- are you even listening?'' she tried to change her position so as to reach out to him, but her chest felt too heavy and she was pinned down by the sudden eerie stillness of her legs. Feeling utterly helpless, she let out a frustrated sigh. Putting her hands through her tangled, greasy hair she tried once again. ''Castle… Rick, please, c'mon. Look at me.''

After an entirety too long, he finally did. He was wearing a pained expression and she knew he was beating himself up inside for this. ''Hey, Rick. Listen. You know I don't blame you for this, right? Please. Just...don't do this. Not again.''

''We seem to be having this conversation a lot lately, don't we? But, yeah. Yeah I know. I'm sorry,'' he said finally getting out of his reverie, shaking his head, ''you don't need to deal with this. I'm sorry. I'll just go call your dad. ''

He started getting up, but before he could, her hand grasped his and yanked him back. He turned around to be met with a gasping, pain-ridden Kate. She was still clutching his hand, and he knew this movement had caused her immensely.

''Listen to me very carefully, Richard, cause I'm not gonna say it again. I am in pain, my spine feels like on fire and there's too much sensations in my upper body and entirely nothing in my lower area,'' he winced at these words and hoped she had a point to this, but she continued, ''and the cocktail of sedatives I'm on is making me loopy. So you're going to sit your ass back down, hear every word that I've got to say, and do NOT even try to leave in between, or so help me god, I will skin you. Is that clear?''

She didn't wait for a verbal response, because the shocked and scared expression on his face told her enough. So she barreled on.

''I got shot. Again. By the same fucking man. But it was not your fault the last time, and it certainly is not your fault this time. Now I don't know what you were doing there, and I'm probably going to get mad later when you tell me the reasons, but you can count your lucky stars for now 'cause I can feel the drugs doing their thing. My monologue won't be as long as I wanted it to be, I'm beginning to feel a little light headed. But please,'' she accentuated the word and it came more like a beg than a plead, ''please just remember, I am not mad at you. I'm sorry for all the things I've said, or haven't actually, and all the things I've done, and I know I've caused a lot of hurt and pain…and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Rick. But however we did, we ended up in that alley. And I got shot. And now I can't walk for the time being. But if I had to, I'll do it all over again.''

Castle had been listening intently, nodding all along, just wanting to stop her from apologising for something she hadn't even done but at the last sentence, he lost it. He jumped up from his seat, stiffened his posture and almost yelled, ''how can you say that? How the fuck can you say something like that? After that speech you gave me the other night, what was it you said, oh yeah, 'you threw yourself in front of a bullet for me'? What was that about then, huh? You can do it, but I can't?''

''Oh god, Castle, not this again. You have family,'' she said calmly but sounded exasperated.

''And you don't?'' he asked incredulously.

She simple gave a shrug and said, ''I knew you guys would look after my dad, if something were to happen to me.''

'' 'if something were to happen-' What?! Kate, are you even listening to yourself? You threw yourself in front of a friggin' bullet. What did you think was gonna happen?''

''Can we not do this now, please? I'm sleepy…'' the adorable little pout that followed almost made him stop. Almost.

''No, damnit. Answer me, Kate. If we would look after your dad, who would look after us? You may not have a traditional blood family, but don't you dare fucking say that your dying would not be as devastating as my own, would not be as important as my own. The boys would be crushed, and Lanie? Huh, she will have a permanent Kate Beckett-shaped hole in her heart. The precinct, the victims, their families that you saved, they all care about you, and I don't think the precinct would ever be the same again.''

He ran a hand through his hair, his voice breaking and wavering now.

''My mother adores you, she always wanted a daughter, but it never happened. She sees you as her own; she loves you as her own. My daughter, my little Alexis looks up to you. You have been a mother figure to her more than her own mother ever has. How do you think she would do with you? And what about me, Kate? Huh? Do you really think I would just get up, move on and pretend the last four years never happened? That I never met the most the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating, person ever? Do you honestly want to tell me that if you were to die, I would not have lost the love of my life?

Her breath hitched at the last words and she finally looked up. He edged near her bed, slowly sat down on it, so that he was facing her and their hips were sitting side by side, touching slightly. He inched forwards, raised his arms and captured her face in his them. He wiped her tears with his thumb, and said in a far quieter, calmer tone, ''Kate Beckett, you are _important_. And this world needs you. You are loved. By so many, and so much. And by no one more than me. So don't you ever go and pull a stunt like that again, okay?''

Her tears were running free. She had no control over them, they were their own being. She started nodding her head frantically, which made her look like a little girl who was facing a scolding for staying up past her bed time. He moved the distance between them and pulled her into his arms, and she came willingly. His grip was tight, but she had never felt safer. Both knew that much more had to be said, all cards were to be put on the table, many fights were to be had. But right now, this was surprisingly enough. He could feel hot tears running down his neck, where her face was nuzzled up, so he cradled her tighter and rocked her gently, like a child.

After she had calmed down, he bent over and slowly laid her sleeping body on her cushion. After dropping a kiss on her temple, he stood there for a second and marvelled at her angelic features, marred only by the tubes and the machines hooked up to her. He let out a sigh, and in a breathy voice whispered, ''why'd you do it anyways, you beautiful idiot?''

Not really expecting a reply from this drugged out, unconscious Kate, he simply shook his head and started to head out but was stopped in his tracks by her voice, only slightly louder than a whisper.

''Well not taking a bullet for you wasn't the only thing I lied about, that night, Castle.''

* * *

**Penny for your thoughts? **


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: longest chapter yet. knock yourselves out!

Disclaimer: still not mine.

* * *

The Others visited the next day; the whole posse. Martha, Lanie, the boys, even Alexis.

Martha was a whirlwind of emotions from being distraught over her condition, to thanking her for stepping in, and from sobbing quietly to laughing hysterically.

Rick filled her in; she may have had a little too much time in the loft bar that morning.

That sounded like Martha, alright.

Alexis had been quiet. A little too quiet. She'd just dropped in to say hi. Literally. She just said ''hey'' and after a couple of minutes filled with awkward silence, she ran out of the room.

Rick assured her that she just needed time, and that he'll make Alexis talk to her soon.

It was a conversation she was not looking forward to.

Lanie'd been surprisingly calm and cheery; it was an effort, Kate could tell and she was thankful for it.

But oh, her boys.

They looked lost. Esposito had that desperate look on his face, and if the tight hug she received- that lasted way too long to be one between just 'professional partners'- was any indication, he was scared. Ryan's red-rimmed eyes were like a twist in the gut.

To their credit, they'd quickly tried to put a lid on it.

* * *

''Yo, Beckett, this is becoming really tiring. Gotta keep it fresh, Becks. Shot? Again?! Really?''

Kate rolled her eyes, and shoved him off her bed, but couldn't help that cheeky grin from forming.

''Well, I'm sorry if my mortal perils are becoming a drag for you guys. I'll try something new next time.''

Ryan had been smiling at them, but he stuttered after her comment. ''Or you know, maybe, just avoid them all together.''

Kate looked over to where he was leaning against the wall. Her own grin faltered and she suddenly had the urge to pull them into a fierce hug and not let go.

Oh dear, she was becoming a Mama Bear. And her cubs were scared.

''Um, yeah,'' she said looking at her hands curled up in her lap, atop the itchy hospital sheets, ''obviously. That would be my first choice. And well, looks like your wish will be coming true. Can't really come in big ol' life-and-death situations when I'm stuck in a wheelchair, can i?''

''I wouldn't put that past you, Beckett. You have a knack for getting in trouble,'' Esposito's attempt at a joke was met with shy grins from the other two in the room.

''I do, don't i? Well, what can I say? I like to keep things interesting. But yeah, okay, alright already. I'll try not to die when I'm holed up in my apartment for the next few months. Okay?''

''Good.''

''Yeah. You do that.''

After a couple of minutes, in which they basked in the comfortable silence in the room, she voiced the question that had been eating at her since she woke up.

''Um, you guys, did you . . . did you get him?''

Esposito and Ryan snapped their heads up and looked at each other, as if deciding who'd be the one to tell her. Espo stepped up. He came near to her bed and tentatively put his hand on top of hers.

''Yeah, Beckett. We got him. We got the guy who shot you. Both times.''

She released a breath she didn't known she'd been holding. She leaned to her side and his sturdy frame came to support her. The side of her head was gently leaning on his chest. He wrapped his other hand around her shoulder from the back, and gave a light squeeze.

''Is he talking?''

When he didn't respond, she pulled away and looked up. He was hiding something.

''Espo, did he say something?'' her voice was stern, but he still didn't look at her.

Ryan, being the sweet soul he was, came to his rescue. ''Beckett, you should be resting. There's nothing to worry about. We've got this covered. We'll come back later, okay?''

''No. Nuh-uh. You are not doing this. Castle is already not telling me why the hell he was there in the first place, some shit about me getting better first. You cannot seriously be keeping more information from me. I'm sick of this. Tell me what's happening? What did he say?''

Both of them looked helpless now. She would've felt bad for them, had it not been her who they were keeping stuff from. She needed to know.

''Beckett, just-''

She cut him off, her voice gentler, humbler than it had been before. ''Ryan, I can handle it, okay? Please just tell me. Please, Kev, please?''

Ryan looked up at her, and oh, he shouldn't have. Her eyes were so wide, so pleading. He'd have given her the friggin' Eiffel Tower if she'd asked for it then.

She knew she had him. Esposito still looked wary but she knew she'd cracked Kevin Ryan.

''Um, okay. Okay. Just, please don't worry, or yell, or go on a vengeful rampage or doing anything you-ish. Just know that we have it under control-''

''Ryan, you're scaring me. Please, just tell me what it is.''

Ryan looked at his partner and he barely nodded. A 'go-ahead, it's your funeral' of sorts.

''We have him in custody. He didn't talk much for the first two days. But yesterday, he, um, he said, and I quote, 'you have no idea who you are up against. We'll not stop, until...' '' his voice faltered, and he looked, what was it, scared?

''...until this whole thing is in the ground.''

Her breath hitched. And her voice was just more than a breathy whisper.

'' 'This whole thing?' ''

''You. Us. The case. And…''

''And what? You can tell me, Ryan. I can't imagine how it could get worse from this.''

He looked hesitant, and she knew it was about to get worse.

''He said they'll start with 'the pretty writer-boy'. ''

The room spun around her. Her eyes closed on their own accord. She was choking. On too much air. The speedy, erratic beeping from the ECG and her breath coming in short pants, all combined to make two very scared looking grown men. Cops, nonetheless.

She was visibly shaking. Esposito gripped her shoulders while Ryan pressed the call button.

''Hey, Beckett. Hey, it's okay. There's nothing to worry about. Please, just- just calm down. Ryan, do something. God, bro, what's happening to her?''

Her eyes were still screwed shut and now little beads of sweat were forming on her head.

The door burst open and a nurse came in. ''Oh, dear, what's going on? Step away from her.''

Esposito quickly made room for the nurse but didn't let go of Kate, who was still shaking.

Ryan piped in, ''we're sorry. I just- we didn't, she just- oh god, what have I done? What's happening to her?''

The nurse pulled her hand from Esposito's. She was shivering terribly. The nurse pinned her hand down and inserted a needle in her. As soon as that was done, she turned around to switch off the IV drip. She grabbed a towel from the night stand and started wiping the pool of sweat from Kate's forehead and her shoulders. Man, they were drenched already. She had started to calm down, her shuddering subsiding to a bare minimum, gradually. Just then, the door flew open once again, to reveal a panting, scared Castle tagging along an out-of-breath Lanie.

He came in looking terrified, rushed over to the bed and some of his worst-case scenarios cleared away. She wasn't abducted. Whew.

''Oh god, what happened? Is she okay? We came as soon as we could. The other nurse told me Holly was called in for an emergency- please, what happened? Just- is she okay?''

He looked so terrified, and the other two boys and the woman did too, so the young nurse put the towel back, smoothed out her sheets, and finally said, ''she went into a full-blown panic attack. As we've informed you all before, we've been giving her pretty strong drugs; the kind to dull her sensory nerves. The adrenalin released during a panic attack doesn't mix well with them. It's like mixing 'too much' with 'too nothing.' It overwhelms the nervous system. The poor girl just had a rollercoaster of chemicals run through her. I've switched off the drugs and given her a nerve relaxant. She'll be out cold for a few hours. I have to make a few rounds. Press the button if you need anything.''

She moved to the door, but just before leaving, she turned around and said, ''and next time, avoid telling a person who's just been through trauma any news that might upset and/or shock them. Or I won't allow you in the room.'' She left with a disapproving shake of her head.

The four of them stared at the door for a few moments before Esposito let out a very loud **'ow'** and started rubbing his shoulder where Lanie had just punched him.

She was wearing that deadly expression that almost always rendered Esposito speechless. And this time was no different.

She snarled out after staring him down, ''what did you idiots do?''

Another punch followed.

''Hey, ow. Hey- i, stop. I didn't do anythi-''

She punched him again, harder, and shoved him towards the door. Castle and Ryan were just standing there, perplexed, watching. But Ryan quickly stepped forward, and put his hands on Lanie's shoulders, pulling her away from Esposito who was nursing his bruised shoulder.

''Lanie, it wasn't his- Lanie, stop. It wasn't his fault. It was me. I was the one talking. I did this. I'm so sorry.''

His crestfallen expression made her stop. She was still eyeing Esposito warily, but at least she wasn't hitting him anymore.

Castle stepped forward and took Lanie, who was still breathing heavily with pouts of anger bursting from her face, and sat her on the chair. He turned around and asked in a very low baritone, which was a little scary. ''What happened, guys? What did you tell her?''

The boys looked like deer caught in headlight. But it was Ryan who finally stuttered out. ''I didn't mean for her to- I just… okay. Um. She was asking about what he, um, Maddox, had been saying. And I said no. I swear, I did. But she was pleading, and she was- she looked scary, she was being very Beckett-ish. I just-I shouldn't have said anything.'' He said shaking his head and looking very close to tears.

Before Lanie or Castle could respond to that, he continued, ''and I ended up telling her that Maddox basically threatened every one of us, and that,'' he looked around the room, as if wanting to dig a hole and crawl into it to avoid what was coming next, ''that he'd start by killing Cas- that he'd start by killing Castle,'' he rushed out the end in one single breath.

Both, Castle's and Lanie's heads shot up and they looked as if they'd just seen the ghost of Abraham Lincoln do cartwheels.

Lanie got up and slowly started walking toward Ryan, slowly, so very slowly, like a hunter stalking its prey.

She was very close to him now, her hands balled up in fists and teeth gritted, and her words were a deathly whisper.

''You did what, now?''

Scared was an understatement. What Ryan felt right now, was straight –up terror.

''I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for this- I didn't know it could lead to this-''

''You didn't know?! You didn't know that your friend, _our friend_ who had a _bullet_ in her just four days ago, would maybe, perhaps, um, I dunno, FREAK OUT IF YOU TOLD HER THAT PEOPLE WERE GUNNING FOR HER LOVED ONES? FOR CASTLE?! You didn't, for one moment, think that she would panic when she hears that the man she just jumped in front of a bullet for, was still not safe?! Huh?''

Ryan just kept staring a hole on the floor. ''I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, i. . . ''

Castle had stopped listening to his string of 'sorry's. It was an honest mistake. A terrible, horrible, blundering mistake; but a mistake nonetheless. He knew how convincing Beckett could be. She was great at getting information out of people. Add this pouty, drugged-up version of her to the equation, oh, Ryan didn't stand a chance.

What unnerved him most about this was that it was because of him that she had gone to panic attack. A friggin' panic attack! And if this was her reaction when he'd been threatened, he didn't want to imagine what would happen if he told her why he was there in that alley, in the first place.

He moved closer, and sat down on the chair next to her bed. She looked tired, and pale. Her hair was sticking out in places. He laid his hand on top of hers, and gently snaked their fingers together. While his thumb was busy making circles on the back of her palm, his other hand traced the side of her face, and removed the sweat-stuck hair from there. The bags under her eyes were more prominent than ever. She looked so . . . vulnerable. At that instant of time, there was nothing Richard Castle wanted more than to wrap himself around her, put her in a nebulous cocoon and shield her from all the harsh realities of this sick, horrible, screwed-up world.

She'd probably kick his ass if she knew that.

He didn't realize when everyone in the room went silent, and Ryan made his way toward him. He felt a hand on his shoulder but couldn't make the effort to look away from her.

''I'm so very sorry, Castle. I didn't know this could happen, I was just- I made a mistake. I'm sorry.'' His genuine voice melts away any residual anger inside his heart.

''It's okay, Ryan. You don't really have to apologise to me.''

As an afterthought, he added, ''just, please refrain from talks of hired killers, death threats, and basically, just, you know, avoid the whole murder-y talk with her for the time being, 'kay?''

The tension eased in the room, and Ryan let out a long sigh.

Lanie came around to the other side the bed to place a kiss on top of Kate's head. ''I gotta go now, got bodies coming up in the lab. Castle, you'll be okay?'' to which he nodded, after which she continued, ''eat something, please. Get a sub or something. And take care of our girl, yeah? Call me if you need anything. Come on, you two. You promised to drop me off. Chop-chop.''

* * *

He was still sitting - well right now, technically, sleeping- right next to her, even after it had been three hours since the three of them made their exit. His head was bent down, resting on her hands, which were draped over her stomach. He was roused from his slumber when he felt her hands twitching. He looked up to see her face scrunched up, her brows furrowed deep. And she looked in . . . agony, was it? He immediately straightened up, put his hands on the sides of her face, and called out to her. Whatever the hell she was going through was miserable enough to violate her drugged-up subconscious.

''Beckett,'' he said stroking the rim beneath her eyes, ''Kate, get up. Kate, wake up. You're okay. Just get up for me, yeah?'' he shook her shoulders gently, called out to her a couple more times, and it was after five minutes that she finally woke up; woke up with a gasp and a terrified expression.

Her eyes were hazy, and it seemed like the demons of her sleep hadn't cleared out yet.

''Kate, shh, it's okay. You're okay, you're safe. We're in the hospital, remember? It's all okay.''

When his voice finally registered, her eyes cleared, she scrambled to sit up and gasped. ''Oh, god, Castle.'' She looked petrified and the way she was touching him, hands scrambling to find skin, first his face, then his hands, and then back to his face, he knew whatever it was, it had left her more panicked than she was when she went under.

He pulled her hands from his face, held them tight in his grip and tried to calm her. ''Kate, it's okay, everyone's alright. It was just a dream, okay? Just a dream-''

She cut him off with a shake of her head and a strangled sob that followed. ''No, you don't get it. They, they had you- and then, then i- I just, I couldn't move, and there was . . . blood. Just so much blood. And you- you died, and everyone died. And, and Alexis,'' she sobbed out her name, and her whole body shook with it, ''they took everything, Castle. You all died- and I couldn't, I couldn't even move and I just, I just- I stood there and watched. I tried, but I just- I couldn't, I'm sorry, Castle. I'm so . . .''

His words caught in his throat, seeing her so scared. But for the life of him, he couldn't understand what she was apologising for. ''Hey, it's okay. Nobody's dead. See, I'm right here. Alexis is at her friends for the weekend. She's safe. We've got a detail on everyone, even your dad. Nothing's gonna happen, okay? You're safe.''

Her head shot up, and he had a look at her face. Her eyes were bloodshot, and for a second it seemed she'd been crying for hours on end.

''But you're not.'' She said indignantly. ''You're not safe, Rick. He said they'll come for you.'' Her eyes hazed out for a couple of seconds, trying to sort her thoughts trough, and she suddenly panted out. ''You need to get away. Take Alexis and Martha. Just go. Please. . . Just go.''

She sounded so tired, and defeated that for a moment, he actually considered giving her whatever she wanted. Then it registered what she was asking for, and it took everything in him not to scoff.

''Yeah, okay. Sure. It's the drugs talking now. You need to rest, Beckett.'' He started to make a move to straighten out her pillow but she caught his arms, and he made the mistake of looking into her eyes.

He shouldn't have done that.

'Cause she looked just so damned scared, and hurt, and wounded, that he would've given her anything she asked for. And she'd asked him to leave.

But no. He couldn't go down that road again. She'd hate him, but he wasn't giving her what she wanted. Not this time.

She cupped his cheek, and her voice was so tiny when she said, ''Castle, please. I'm begging you. These people are dangerous, and they won't stop. You need to leave. Just think about Alexis.''

Despite himself, despite his resolve, he couldn't keep himself from asking, ''and what about you?''

She gently shook her head, ''I'll be fine. I'm not their priority, right now. Not like I can do much damage when I'm stuck in a wheelchair, can i? And I'll call you, okay? Please just, go. You need to leave right away. Promise me, Rick. Promise me you'll leave.''

He nodded his head solemnly, her voice canting a magic spell over him, one he couldn't break through. ''Yeah, yeah… okay. I get it, yeah, I'll leave-''

Her eyes shut in relief.

And the magic spell finally broke through. Hmm. So it was her eyes, huh? They were the magic weapon. He'll have to make a note of that.

Castle did a double take. ''Wait, what?'' He shook his head as if trying to shake this weird aura of submission off of him.

''I'm not leaving.'' His voice was resolute.

Her eyes opened up in shock. ''Whaa-?'' she searched his face for something to suggest he was kidding, but found none. ''You just- like literally _just_ promised; you just said you will.''

''That's because you used your evil powers on me, you wily minx. Man, Beckett, you're good. I can suddenly sympathize with your suspects. They don't stand a chance, do they?''

His grin only furthered her chagrin.

She looked furious and huffed. ''You can't do that. You can't back out on a promise. That defies the basic rules of a promise. Promise 101: No take-backsies.''

The laughter that boomed through the room could only be described as boisterous.

''Oh, Beckett,'' he said, catching his breath, ''you slay me. But unfortunately, this is not kindergarten. And I am not leaving.''

She plopped down on her pillow with a frustrated grunt. ''God, why do you have to be so _you_ all the time? Can't you just do this one thing I tell you to?''

''Last time I did that, you ended up getting shot. I'm not taking that risk again. This in not up for debate. Now shut up and go to sleep.''

She looked at him incredulously, huffed out an angered breath, but gave up.

''Ugh, you're such an ass.''

With that she turned her head and shut her eyes tight. Castle smiled, and leaned over to press a kiss to her temple. He was just about to, when her eyes flew open and he felt two hands tugging on his collar. She pulled him close to herself, and they were separated by barely there millimeters. She had a fiery look in her eyes, and for a second, he was sure she was going to kiss him. But when she spoke, her hot breath falling on his lips alone was enough to make him a little lightheaded.

''Listen to me, Richard Castle. If you are stupid enough to stay here, then keep this in mind: if you die, I'm gonna kill you, 'kay?''

He was too shocked to form a response so he simply nodded.

''Good boy.''

Then she patted his cheeks, put a baby kiss on his nose, and fell asleep just like that. Leaving a stunted, speechless, and, to be honest, a little aroused Castle in her wake.

* * *

please leave a review. writing's a two-way street, people.

also, the next update may take a while. i've got stuff coming up: exams, relatives, vacation, and all. i'll try to put it up as soon as i possibly can.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: hey guys. sorry for this late update, but i can't say i didn't warn ya. i was slammed. still am, but i didn't want you all pretty people to wait any longer.**

**Disclaimer: nope. i didn't magically become there owner over the past two weeks. **

* * *

She was getting antsy. It had been a week and she hadn't got out of bed, not even to the bathroom; the catheter took care of that. She hadn't eaten any real food, she hadn't had a shower and she was still stuck on machines. Apparently, getting shot twice in the same year isn't as easy as one would've thought. Her traitorous body was allegedly ''still recovering from the last one.'' Huh. All those hours of therapy were what, useless all of a sudden?

The Doc said it was ''hindering her recovery.''

Huh, what did he know? She'd prove that smug bastard wrong.

Her dad visited every day. She told him not to, but of course, he didn't budge.

Neither did Castle.

Oh, the men in her life.

She huffed out a breath, which got Castle's attention, who had been sitting beside her drawing nonsensical patterns on the back of her hand.

Yeah, it was a thing they did now. Little physical contacts weren't a big deal anymore. Holding hands while the doctor and the nurses came for their daily rounds. Playing with and stroking each other's hair. Butterfly kisses on her cheek or her temple or her nose every time he left the room that caused her stomach to flutter.

Yeah, it _definitely_ wasn't a big deal anymore.

''Castle?''

He didn't stop his little ministrations on her hand but let out a responsive hum.

''When am I gonna get out of here?''

He straightened up and turned to face her. She looked better than she did most days- the bags under her eyes were subtler, her colour had returned a little bit, and her eyes had a little of their original colour in them- but there was a tired, desperate look in her eyes.

''Get out like with the doctor's consent or more like a breakout? Ooh, that'd be so cool. We could do like a hospital version of Prison Break. Ooh, ooh,'' he said clapping his hands with his sudden stroke of genius, ''can I please tattoo the hospital's layouts on my body? Pretty please?

She grinned despite herself at his childish excitement, and tried out a sterner tone. ''Castle, I'm being serious.''

''You think I'm not?! This is the idea of the century!''

She rolled her eyes, and said in a mock accusatory tone, ''you said that last week about double stuffed Oreos!''

''Don't ruin my moment of victory with your impeccable memory. I mean, god, do you ever forget anything? Jeez.'' He finished shaking his head disapprovingly, but it morphed into a cheeky bounce when he continued, ''anywho, so you're on board? We're breaking out? Oh god, this is gonna be so awesome.'' He puffed his chest in faux-victory; which earned him another eye-roll accompanied with a broad smile.

His attempts to make her smile were almost always successful now-a-days. They were the only times of the day that she actually smiled. Otherwise, she'd just stare into a distance, which was heart-breaking to watch.

''Castle,'' she said breaking him out of his trance, ''if you're done masterminding our imaginary escape-plan, could you please call the doctor? I'd like to talk him about my actual release from this hell-hole.''

''Hell-hole? Isn't that a little extreme?''

She raised her eyebrows, and squinted her eyes at him. ''All I've had for six days is that god-awful fruit juice and jello. Yesterday's was salty. SALTY JELLO, CASTLE!''

''Okay, okay, jeez, calm down. I'll go get him. God. But you can never have too much jello, Beckett.''

She raised herself and gave him the look, ''Castle, I swear. . . ''

''I'm going, I'm going. And I'm gone,'' he said shutting the door.

Huh. He didn't kiss her. That was weird. Well it wouldn't be so if she hadn't scared him away with her pent up resentment toward gelatine foodstuff, but still. He owed her a kiss.

Before she could chide her brain for such a ridiculous thought, he was back with the doctor.

''I hear someone's getting a little impatient. What's up, Detective?''

''Dr. Brady, not to sound ungrateful or anything, but when the hell are you planning to release me? ''

''We're way past impatient, aren't we?'' the doctor said with a disapproving smile, ''well, Kate, you'll have to give us at least another week-''

"A WEEK?! No way. Nu-uh. I feel perfectly fine, apart from the, um, leg situation.''

''That's not true, and we both know it. Kate, we haven't even begun physical therapy yet. You'll have to attend at least a couple of days here, and then if the instructor is happy with the progress, we'll make appointments and we can send them to your place.''

She looked irritated, rolled her eyes, but managed a ''fine,'' in a low grumble, which was anything but.

The doctor took this as an invitation to direct the conversation into a more dangerous zone.

''Speaking of places, where's yours? 'Cause Detective, I'll risk losing my job if I let you get released without guaranteeing help, and as much I as like you, I don't wanna take that risk,'' he added with a shy grin, to ease the question in.

She bellowed, with an incredulous look in her eyes.

''Help?! For what? I know I'll be in that chair, I won't go climbing hills for a long time, what do I need help for? I don't need a babysitter, Doctor, and if its policy, I'm sure my dad won't mind signing it off.''

''Kate, will your dad be able to stay with you for at least four weeks?'' When no reply came from her, he continued with a borderline _I-told-you-so _tone, ''yeah, that's what I thought. So you have anyone to stay with you?'' This was followed by another silent answer, Kate boring holes in the ground, trying not to make eye-contact with a certain someone in the room.

''No?'' he asked, a little confused. Seeing as the detective and the writer were basically joined to the hip all the time, he'd assumed they were a thing. Apparently not.

She was still looking down, the tension in the room had increased tenfold. Looks like he'd struck a nerve. So he continued, ''well, that's no problem. We have department issued medical help and attention that's part of our policy. We'll just get one your nurses to go with you to assist you for a little while, at least. How about Holly? She'd love it, and honestly, she could use a break. The girl has been pulling off night shifts for the past two weeks.''

She nodded timidly, still wary of the whole idea, but if she had to be honest, she was the lesser of the two evils. One of which, was standing not two feet from her. In her time here, she'd gotten to like the young nurse. She was a warm and happy soul, but more importantly, she'd snuck a donut for her just yesterday; albeit it was kinda horrible and she had to throw most of it out.

Castle was just standing there, watching the conversation play out. Did the two even remember he was standing right there?

He cleared his throat, rather loudly, which got the attention of the doctor, but Kate was still headfast ignoring him. It took a couple more seconds when she meekly turned her head up.

''Beckett, I'm trying really hard not to get insulted by the blatant oversight,'' he said with a glare, and then turned to the doctor, ''thanks, but no thanks, Doc. As much as I adore Holly, we won't be needing her. Beckett, you're staying with me. End of discussion.''

She stared at him, wide eyed. ''Castle, you can't-''

Her protest was cut-off. He glared at her, saying, ''what part of 'end of discussion' don't you get?''

The doctor sensed a bigger fight coming, so he made his exit silently, with a mumbled ''I'll give you two a minute.''

As soon as he was gone she turned to him, all wide-eyed and panicky. ''Cas- Rick, you don't have to do this. I appreciate the gesture, I do, I really do, and-''

''It's not about appreciation. I'm not doing this to bag brownie points from you, Kate. You're my friend, and I got you into this mess,'' she started protesting, but was cut-off once again, ''and the least I could do, is offer you some help.''

She huffed out angrily. ''I don't need help,'' she hissed.

It was he, who rolled his eyes this time. That stubborn, maddening woman was going to be the death of him, one day.

''Of course,'' his voice dripping with sarcasm, ''what was I thinking? Obviously, you don't need help. *you* don't need help. Two outta four limbs? Eh. Piece of cake. Worms do fine without any. So, obviously, The Kate Beckett, can manage with two.'' He waved his hands nonchalantly.

She looked furious. ''Castle, you're way out of-''

He didn't let her continue this time, either. He was all fired up. Hell, he was angry. Angry at her for making them go through this again. Angry at himself for putting them into this situation, in the first place. Angry at the whole mess of their lives. Maybe it was unfair to take it all out on her, but damnit, she was _so _stubborn.

''Or is it me? Huh? Is that it? Do you not want help or do you not want _my_ help? You running for the hills again, Beckett? Cause it seems like a pattern with you. The moment things start to get real between us, you run. What're you gonna do this time? Run to your daddy again, like the last time?'' he knew he was verging into dangerous territories, somewhere, a small part of his brain was blaring sirens, ordering him to back-peddle, but foolish as he is, he ignored them.

''Well your dear old daddy won't be bailing you out this time. He told me himself. He's not going to let you run. Aw, Kate, your dad kinda left you, didn't he? That must bring back memories from when he abandoned you after your mother died,'' there was a sharp intake of breath from somewhere in the room, another warning sign, but he was too far beyond the line to notice; he was seeing red, ''too bad. Well, who does that leave? The boys or Lanie? Yeah, like they'd be able to manage their jobs when they've got a stubborn cripple in their hands. Oh Kate, looks like you just ran out of places to run to-''

''Get out.''

He turned around to face the source of the voice; hadn't even realized when in his monologue had he started pacing in the room.

Fuck.

Her eyes were screwed shut; steady stream of tears pouring from under them. She was gripping the sheets on her bed so tight, that her knuckles were now a strained white. And her breaths were coming in short pants. She was obviously having trouble keeping still and breathing, but she'd be damned if she let him see her break right now.

''Get. Out.'' She said through gritted teeth.

This was not how this conversation was supposed to go. Half part of his brain was screaming 'Oh god, what had I done,' while the other half singed 'I told you so.'

''Kate, I'm sorry, I don't mean th-''

''I said get out, Castle!'' She screamed. ''Get the fuck out of my room.''

He could see she was trembling. And it broke his heart, because he was the one who'd caused that. Shit, what had he done?

''Kate, please just listen-''

''I did. And I got to hand it to ya Cas- Castle,'' she gave him a sad, watery smile, ''I k-knew you could be a jerk, but I di-, I didn't know you could be so cruel.''

His stomach dropped when he heard her broken, shaky voice through clenched teeth. Her façade was breaking. She was visibly shaking now. She was going to break.

''Just go. Get out.''

With a heavy heart, he turned. His hands came up to wipe his own tears, and before shutting the door on his way out, he said, ''I'm sorry, Kate.''

He shut the door, but the sob that ripped through the inside of the room just then, was loud enough to be heard down the hall. And it broke him too.

* * *

It was a couple of minutes before she managed to get a feeble control over her sobs and pressed the call button.

She needed drugs. The good kind.

They'll let her sleep. And she'd take the bloody nightmares over this harsh, fucked-up reality anytime.

* * *

**so i'm just gonna leave it there. no guarantees when the next one will be up. as mentioned before, i'm still slammed with work and family stuff. **

**Tumblr: 0lesbiangeekspiral0**

**Twitter: EvilHag09**


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: hi. here you go. enjoy. and just hang in there.**

**Disclaimer: not mine.**

* * *

That thing was staring sat her. Whenever she turned over, whenever she changed the IV settings, whenever she went to pick up her water, that damn Squishy kept staring at her. Mocking her.

She'd cried her eyes out, slept straight for almost 12 hours, and it still hurt like a bitch.

And that damned thing kept reminding her of him.

She'd had enough.

She turned over, roughly picked up the soft toy, and flung it across the room. Hard. It knocked over the vase kept at the apothecary table at the corner of the other side of the room. The shattering of the glass startled her, a few renegade tears escaping her eyes. She gritted her teeth, willed them to stop. No, she couldn't do this to herself. She promised herself not to cry for him. Not again.

Almost as soon as the glass broke, the door flew open, and in came a slightly wide-eyed Holly. ''Jesus, Kate, you scared me. I thought crazy gunmen were here to take you, which, FYI, is a constant worry of mine now, ever since your 'partners' scared the shit out of me for dismissing your guards.'' She eyed the room, her eyes falling on the solitary soft toy, looking abandoned in the sea of shattered glass. The scene was just so sad. She went over to pick up the shards of glass and put them in the dustbin. She picked up the toy, raised her eyebrows in an adorable way, and asked, ''wanna talk about it?''

Kate let out a watery chuckle. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, and said, ''I highly doubt my sob-fest of a life could be entertaining to you. On the other hand, it's kinda costing your hospital,'' she pointed to the dustbin, ''I'll pay for that. I'm sorry. I don't know what got over me. I'm-''

''It's okay, Kate. You don't have to apologise. I've seen worse. At least you weren't trying to escape through the window from the fifth floor with your hospital gown flying open broadcasting your glorious tush to the whole world,'' she said nonchalantly, with a slight spark in her eyes.

Kate's mouth fell open, before morphing into a wide grin. ''Really?''

''Yep,'' she said with the cutest grin, ''last January. The fifth floor is for the slightly disturbed patients till they are moved to the psych ward. This huge dude barrelled straight into the window in his room and onto the fire escape. Only halfway through, he got scared and just sat there. We had to call the firemen to bring him down. Man, that was a fun day.''

Her laugh was infectious, because a couple of moments later, both of them broke into a laughing fit. After reeling it in somehow, Holly moved around her bed and started straightening out her side table, her pillow, and the sheets. She arranged her charts for the doctor on call. She was on her way to check her IV, when Kate's voice interrupted her.

''Could you stop being a nurse and sit down with me, just for a minute? I can really use the distraction, ya'know? If you aren't busy, that is. You probably are. You know what, leave it. I don't know why I said it.'' She tried to play it off, but her eyes gave away her insecurity. They looked so very vulnerable, so very sad.

Over time, both of them had developed a close dynamic. Kate perked up whenever it was Holly's shift. The nurse, at 24, with deep red hair, pale skin, golden-brown eyes, and an exuberant personality was a sight for sore eyes. They would talk for hours even after Holly's shift ended. She'd become more open with her. She found herself talking more to her, than to anyone else. Kate had never been one to just talk about anything and nothing, but this redhead seemed to bring out a different side in her. A more talkative, more open version of her. Maybe it was the drugs. It was most definitely the drugs.

She'd found a friend, and she wanted to keep her. After all, she could really use a friend right now. One, who didn't know anything about her past, who didn't judge, didn't pity, didn't expect anything from her. And one who was used to ''stubborn cripples'' unlike some of the friends she had.

''Will you at least let me answer before you just assume I'm busy? Of course I'd like to stay here. I love hanging out with my favourite patient. I just did a round, so I'm on a break. I was coming over here anyways. Why do you think I was here the moment you had your very first spontaneous spout of the vandalistic tendencies?'' she finished wiggling her eyebrows. She dragged the visitor's chair and perched up on it.

Kate raised her eyes and laughed at her bright, bubbly face. It radiated joy. There was no doubt, that the young nurse was pretty, but right now, with the mirth all over her face, she looked beautiful.

''I wouldn't call it the first, per se,'' she said matching her spark.

Holly's eyes widened, ''what? You mean to tell me that you, Kate Beckett, Super Cop, have damaged government property on more than one occasion?''

She just shrugged. ''Well . . .''

''C'mon. Tell me,'' she practically whined. ''Tell me, Kate. C'mon. Please. What did you do? Spill. Now. Pretty please? TELL ME!''

Kate huffed out a giggle, an actual giggle. ''Okay, okay. God, you are nothing, if not persistent. So, yeah. There was this one time in college, I was going out with this real slime-ball of a guy, basically, well, just to get a rise out of my parents, it was my wild-child phase,'' she explained matter-of-factly, ''and he cheated on me. Obviously,'' Holly squinted her eyes at her, questioning the 'obviously' jibe, but Kate didn't notice, ''so I asked one of his friends to pretend to be my new boyfriend, to make him jealous, yeah? So one day, we were on this bench outside the campus, and he had his arm around me. I'd actually started liking him, but then he saw my ex coming and started kissing me. A little too rough for my liking, so I tried to push him off. By then my ex had come near us, and was basically growling. I managed to shove him off, stood up, clunked their heads together, and broke the arms of the bench to hit them both with it. So in all honesty, it was self-defence and not vandalism, but, yeah, the bench took it hard.''

Before Holly could comment on this, she continued, ''also, I may have been involved in some friendly graffiti once in a while. Ooh, I broke a lamp-post once when I was a kid. Oh, and the most recent one, it was just a two years, actually. I rammed a suspect into the two-way mirror. Broke the whole thing,'' her eyes went out of focus, reminiscing that satisfying memory.

''What did he do?'' the nurse's curiosity piped up.

She sighed. Thinking about Vulcan Simmons brought back so many memories. That night, the case, her mom, the boys, Castle, their kiss . . .

''He was a bad man, Holly. He did something very, very bad. But I'm not talking about that.'' She'd made a point to not let her know anything about her messed up past. She wanted an unbiased friend, who didn't judge.

''So that brings my grand total to, what, four vandalism counts? Although the first and last were just me standing up against stupid boys.'' She finished in a childish manner.

Holly laughed, despite it being a slightly sad story. ''Ugh. Guys are the worst.''

Kate eyed her up, laughed along, ''well you're lucky you're gay, then.''

Holly smirked and raised her eyebrows. ''hmm, you really are a good detective, aren't ya? What gave me away? Was it my butch personality,'' she tried to flex her barely-there biceps and puffed her chest up for full effect, pulling a vibrant laugh from the detective, ''or was it my not-so-subtle checking-you-out techniques?'' she finished by wiggling her eyebrows.

After Kate managed to control her chirpy laughter, she said, ''no, although, it _was_ kinda obvious. But don't think I didn't notice the sideways glances to that other nurse. What's her name, Arya? Inara?''

''Her name is Anya, and also, I don't know what you're talking about.'' She shrugged.

''Oh, c'mon, Holly. Did you forget about the part where I'm the detective? You gotta try better than that.''

''it's nothing, Detective.'' She was deliberately avoiding eye-contact and it was adorable.

''Nu-uh. I know 'nothing'. 'Nothing' is a dear friend of mine. _That_ was not 'nothing.' I've seen how you look at her. I know that look.''

''Why? 'Cause it's the same way _he _looks at _you?'' _Holly deadpanned.

Kate's smile faltered. See this is why she didn't like talking to people. This is not what she wanted to talk about. _He_ is not what she wanted to talk about. She couldn't trust herself around people when she thought about him. His words still rung in her ears, cut though all her defensive walls, tore at her fragile, abandoned little heart. Oh crap, this did not come under ''must-not-think-about-him.'' She had to stop before she lost control of herself in front of Holly.

''Um, Hol, I think I'm gonna sleep now, I'm kinda beat. You're getting late anyways, so, yeah. Um, I'm-''

''Not so great when someone does it to you, is it? But you're not getting away that easily,'' she leaned over the rail of her bed, ''c'mon, Kate. Talk to me. What happened? Why do you need a distraction? Why did you toss that poor toy? What did _he_ do?''

She felt the tears prick the back of her eyes. She didn't want to cry again. Not after crying herself to sleep last night, albeit with the help of the heavenly drugs. Not after realising that every word he uttered were the things she feared most. Not when she felt a part of herself being chipped away every time she recalled his words, every time they cut into her skin, like shards of glass. Like that of a broken vase. It was kinda poetic, in a tragic way, of course, that the broken remnants of that vase were lying somewhere in that room. Shattered, abandoned, and crushed. Much like their partnership, their friendship, their relationship.

She sighed, turned around to hide her face in the pillows, and her voice was shaky, breaking, when she spoke.

''He broke me, Holly. He broke me, when I thought breaking more wasn't even possible anymore.''

* * *

**so there it is. more to follow soon.**

**Also, if anyone hasn't, check out ''convalescence'' by Sanctuaria. it's amazing. this chapter's dedicated to you Kathryn. you're my holly. (although i'm the gay one in our equation ;) ) **

** Tumblr: 0lesbiangeekspiral0**

**Twitter: EvilHag09**


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: it's super short, i know. but i just wanted to get this out there. **

**Disclaimer: nope.**

* * *

''NO, you don't get it, mother. I told the woman who got shot FOR ME,'' he stabbed at the centre of his chest, ''I told her that her friends won't have time for, now that she's a cripple, which she is, again, because of me. I told her- oh god, Mother . . .''

Martha moved over to the couch where her son had just sunken onto. When he'd walked into the loft late last evening, she just knew. She knew something was wrong. After all, Richard only ever came to the lost in the mornings to spend time with Alexis and occasionally, for a change of clothes. So when he had walked in, wearing an ashen expression, she knew better than to prod him about it. She'd lead him to the couch, where she held him as he cried. Oh, how her heart broke with every strangled sob that escaped his mouth. He looked so much like his ten year old self; how he used to cry when he broke his favourite toy.

She just wished whatever it was that was broken this time around, was repairable. Unlike the limited edition Princess Leia-Luke Skywalker figurine set.

''Worse?'' she gently asked.

''Much, _much _worse. I told her- I. I didn't mean it. She has to know that, right? I didn't mean any of it. I was just, I just got so angry.''

''What did you say, Richard?''

''We never,'' his voice was shaky, because even after hours, he was still holding back tears, ''you know, we never talk about that part of her past; her dad, his alcoholism, anything. And the one time I bring it up, it's to use her own past against her. ''

''Oh, Richard.''

''Oh god, what have I done? What was I thinking? She has been through so much, Mother. So much more than she deserves, than anyone deserves. And she's so strong. She's so generous, so loving. She took a bullet for me, and this? This is how I repay her?''

His face fell in his hands, and she could see his body shaking. What she wouldn't give to turn time and make her son stop from uttering words he was going to regret.

But she really was at a loss here.

''She doesn't deserve this, Mother. She doesn't. God, she hates me now.'' He broke into another fit of tears at his latest realization.

''Now, now, Richard. Don't talk like that. She doesn't hate you-''

''You should've seen her face.''

''Okay, so maybe she does, a little. But she could never hate you, not really. Do you even know that girl? I know you don't see it, kiddo, but I do. We all do. She's crazy about you. Now, granted that you've screwed up royally here, but come to think of it, isn't that like a pattern with the two of you?''

Castle's lips turned just a fraction of an inch upward and Martha does a tiny victory dance in her head. It was a ghost of a maybe-there smile, but she'll take it.

''You'll be fine, kiddo. C'mon now. You have big making up to do,'' she nudged him forward and pulled him from the sofa. When he reluctantly and rather whiningly stood up, she braced her hands on the sides of his shoulders and gave them an encouraging squeeze. ''You have to clean your act up, Richard. And this is it. No messing up this time. Either of you. Okay?''

She framed her hands on the sides of her son's face, bringing his eyes up to hers.

''Go to her, Richard. Talk. Beg. Plead. Sweep that girl off her feet. You go buy her flowers, diamonds, an island if that's what it takes, darling! Do whatever it takes, but make it right. And bring her home.''

He nodded and some of that hopeless-puppy-dog expression lifted from his face.

Martha clapped her hands and exclaimed. ''That's my boy!'' she pulled him close and planted a kiss on his forehead.

''Thank you, Mother. I, I needed this.'' His voice was heavy with emotions, and her heart swelled up.

''Anytime, kiddo.''

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**

**Tumblr: 0lesbiangeekspiral0**

**Twitter: EvilHag09**


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